Q/A | E. Tyler Rowan

Just a Mom, Q & A – installment 3 (the end)

I think we’ve milked about all we can out of this Just a Mom series, don’t you? {grin}

Hey, before I tackle today’s question I just want to send you back over to yesterday’s post. There were a couple super questions posted in the comment that I attempted to answer (somewhat briefly) right in the comments section.

Frieda (that’s my mom), asked this question…

I really liked Day 4 and 5 – and here’s my question: How do you know when it’s time to move on?

I have lead Bible study now for 5 or so years but it really was more because I took a leap and just did it, versus feeling called to it. I do think it was affirmed as a calling because God totally equipped and led me. However, over the last couple of years God has repeatedly called up others to lead (not necessarily to take over my areas of administration) but it does make me ask, “Is it time to move on? Is God equipping others?”

I don’t have a sense that I’m being told to move…but it does make me wonder. So how do I know?

This is probably the toughest question to answer, because your calling (and your moving on) is so very personal between you and God.

Change is inevitable.

I don’t think there are many of us who are called to a lifetime of service in one ministry area. Even folks who look like they’ve done one thing their whole lives (Billy Graham, for example) have seasons in their ministry. They may do the same thing (such as preaching), but feel called to reach out to different groups as time changes. Even those who know they’ve been called to be Pastors move on eventually, to the next church family that God calls them to.

Sometimes God closes a door.

Sometimes, God does dramatic things to move us from where we are in ministry to the next step. For example, when it was time for me to move on from women’s ministry… I’ll be honest, I had a sense that He was preparing me to let go for over a year. But I was arguing with Him. He knew I was attached and invested, so He need to do something big to move me (literally) onto the next thing.

Sometimes God opens a window.

Sometimes, God puts new opportunities in our paths to show us that He is calling us onward. He doesn’t always clearly tell us, “Time to quit this. Let go. Move on.” But you may find yourself noticing new possibilities; little things that grab your interest. It very well could be that God is giving you tiny, gentle nudges in a new direction.

Sometimes God leaves it up to you.

I also really believe that, for many of us, there is no “one thing.” It’s more like “anything.” Take, for example, when someone has a job opportunity and they need to choose between two great jobs. He prays and prays, but doesn’t get a clear sense of which job God wants him to take. Could be that God is telling him, “It doesn’t matter which job you take, as long as you serve Me with your whole heart wherever you work.”

Sometimes, you just “know.”

There are times, though, when it’s time to move on even though you don’t really have any of the indicators. God isn’t closing any doors, He’s not opening any windows, and there are no options for you to choose from. There seems to be nothing new for you to do, but you have an unsettled spirit.

I have a friend who felt unsettled in her job. She felt that she was supposed to free herself up for other ministry opportunities. She bravely gave notice to her employer, not knowing what was next. There was nothing wrong at her work, and no new opportunities were in front of her, but she just knew.

I’ve been asked before, “How do you know when you’re done having babies? How can you be sure that this is the last one?” When I answer those women, I always reply, “The fact that you’re asking and not sure tells me that you’re not done. Not yet.” {and then I wink at her} But I also suggest to her that the way she’s thinking could be indicative that her heart is being prepared to be done soon.

So I think… You’re not done yet, because you’re not sure and you haven’t heard a clear directive from God to move on. But your heart is being prepared for that inevitability. And when it’s time, you’ll know.

Filed Under: Just a Mom, ministry, Q/A, real life August 4, 2011 By Tyler Rowan 1 Comment

Just a Mom, Q & A – installment 2

I received a question for the Just a Mom series via my Facebook page…

I agree with the things in this series……a lot of it has echoed what God has been teaching me.

Once you embrace being more than just a mom, how do you make sure you don’t cross over into becoming neglectful of your family? I know moms who are so busy doing good things they love, but their family, no their husbands, suffer. He’s the one who ends up being just a dad who works.

Wow, what a great question! To be honest, I’m not sure I’m the best person to answer this question. Remember, I’m an over-committer. But I’ll give it a shot.

As a chronic over-committer, I’ve come to learn a few things about taking on too much. Generally, I can detect the warning signs and slow down before it hits crisis point. Sometimes…not.

Warning Signs:

1. You’re a “yes” woman.

Does it pain you to tell someone, “No, I’m sorry. I can’t help out with that.”??? If you were to measure your response ratio, do the “yes”es outweigh the “no”s? Do you find yourself constantly worrying about letting someone down?

2. You’re frozen.

You know that feeling when you have so much to do that you just don’t know where to start? So you do nothing (except maybe mindlessly surf Facebook)? Yeah, that usually means you’ve got too much on your plate.

3. You’re crabby.

Sometimes crabby just means overtired or PMS. But sometimes it can mean too busy. If crabby happens and you catch yourself saying, “I’m never going to get all this done!” it’s the second reason.

4. You’re told.

Has someone from your inner circle recently told you that you’re too busy? Has someone you loved complained that you’re too busy? Has your husband been inexplicably grumpy with you, especially when you’re leaving the house?

An Ounce of Prevention:

A. Learn to be a “no” woman.

Your default response should be “no.” Or at the very least, “Let me take some time to think and pray about it.”

Remember that you are not responsible for meeting everyone’s needs – you are responsible for meeting your family’s needs and for obeying God. And if you agree to do everything, you may actually be stealing someone else’s blessing. That’s right, because by taking on things you’re not called to you are essentially stepping into a calling that belongs to someone else. Stealing from them the blessing of serving.

B. Submit to your husband.

Ouch! That one pinches a bit, doesn’t it? God gave your husband the overwhelming responsibility of leading your family. God asked you to be his helper. If your man needs more help, asks for more help, or shows signs that he’s feeling overloaded – that’s your #1 calling.

I try not to agree to taking on new things without talking to Pat first. (If I’m honest, sometimes I say yes and ask later. But when I do so, I try to start out with an apology for not talking to him first.) If your husband is a part of the decision-making, he’s more likely to feel supportive of the things you’re taking on.

C. Be in tune with the Spirit.

This is the ultimate way of assuring that you don’t take on too much. Being in tune with the Spirit works two ways.

First, the Holy Spirit guides our paths (Proverbs 3:6) and tells us whether to turn to the right or the left (Isaiah 30:21). That way, we sense Him leading us toward a “yes” for certain things.

Second, the Holy Spirit gives us strength (Philippians 4:13), so that when it might seem we have a lot going on – as long as they are things ordained by Him - He can keep us moving forward.

A Pound of Cure:

Though you didn’t ask this question, I’m sure you were thinking it (I know I would be)…

What should I do or say if I see a friend who has become too busy and is neglecting her family?

I. Pray.

I know it “feels” like doing nothing, but prayer is the absolute most important thing you can ever do for anyone.

II. Speak the truth in love.

If the right opportunity arises, and if your friendship is such that you can do so without causing permanent damage, and if you have a definite sense that God is nudging you to do so – speak the truth in love.

Love, grace, and understanding must permeate the whole conversation, or your words will fall on deaf ears and a hard heart.

III. Help.

Sure, her busy-ness is of her own making, as are the consequences. But true friends don’t judge the motives of others to determine whether or not we should help. True friends help regardless of the motives, decisions, and consequences.

IV. Know when to step away.

True friends try and try beyond the point of exhaustion. But wise women also know when it’s time to step back, remove yourself from a situation (or even a relationship), and leave things in God’s hands.

You are not responsible for saving her family. You are only responsible to do the things God has called you to do for her and her family. Sometimes, we need to get out of God’s way. Sometimes, He isn’t able to do the work He needs to in a person’s heart until they are alone with only Him for help.

Are you at risk of being “too busy?” Or do you see it in someone you love?

Filed Under: family, Just a Mom, marriage, ministry, motherhood, Q/A, real life August 3, 2011 By Tyler Rowan 4 Comments

Just a Mom, part six – Q & A

A curious thing has happened this week, as each post for this series went up… My stats counter tells me that you’re reading the posts; in fact, that more people than usual are reading. Yet the comments are barren.

What does that mean?! Do you disagree with me, but don’t want to tell me? (Of course, my mind goes straight to the negative! lol)

Really, though, I want to know… Has this series raised any questions? Anything I can help with? Anything you’d like me to clarify? A specific situation you’d like some suggestions for? A point you’d like to raise for some healthy ~~debate~~ discussion?

Today, I need your comments. Without them, I’ll be left with nothing to post next week. Then I’ll have to think. And that can be a dangerous thing over summer vacation. So help a sister out!

Fill up these comments with your Qs so I can A them (via video) next week!

Part one – it’s okay to want more
Part two – 5 key principles for getting started
Part three – practical tips for getting out of the slump
Part four – it’s not about you
Part five - finding your calling

Filed Under: Just a Mom, motherhood, Q/A, real life, writing July 29, 2011 By Tyler Rowan 3 Comments

What’s Your Calling?

I dont know what stirs great passion and restlessness in my soul. How does one figure it out? This question, from Bobbie’s heart to my inbox, is a question that keeps many a church member firmly planted in their pews when a call for volunteers is put forth.

In ministry, we need to find strategies to help our volunteer force discover their callings. If we don’t, the result will be unhappy volunteers, people serving in ministry areas that drain them, others feeling as though they don’t fit anywhere, and a general lack of passion throughout the church.

I once listened to a friend espouse the merits of serving in children’s ministry. She spoke of the fun, the connecting, the joy of being a part of a child’s faith walk. She concluded her passionate monologue with the words, “As far as I’m concerned, children’s ministry is the most important ministry of the church! Without it, we are nothing.” By the time she finished, my heart was pounding, my palms were sweaty, and I was fired up! I was nanoseconds away from signing myself up to teach Sunday school. That woman – she had found her calling! (Thankfully, I stopped and asked God before I jumped in the boat with her. Because children’s ministry – while arguable the most vital of all aspects of the church – is so not my calling.)

Unfortunately, the majority of people in the church do not know where their calling lies as this friend did. As leaders in the church, we have a responsibility to help these wandering souls find their passions. Not only to fill all those gaping volunteer holes, but to get the body fully functioning in the way it was intended to.

So, how do we know what we’re called to do?!

#1 – What gets you fired up?

Is there a cause that you cannot help but champion? Is there a people group that makes your heart swell with love? What topics of discussion inevitably draw you into debate?

In my college years, no matter how liberal the thinking surrounding me, I was never able to sit quietly while others discussed abortion. It usually came around to, “What about the emotional, psychological, and spiritual pain and suffering that those women will endure for the rest of their lives as a result of the decision to abort?” It always brought debate, sometimes heated, but I could not stop myself! The belief that women who underwent an abortion would suffer beyond their comprehension broke my heart. (Still does.)

I volunteered at our local Pregnancy Care Centre for several years – first as a peer counsellor, then on the crisis line, and later as a parenting coach for young and disadvantaged moms. (Can anyone say “women’s ministry?”)

#2 – What kinds of things are you good at?

Are there certain tasks you really enjoy? A particular type of work? When in a crowd, do you find yourself stepping up as a leader? Offering creative ideas? More willing to go with the flow? Wanting to be hands on? Do you prefer to work alone or as part of a team?

I remember a science project in seventh grade… We were put in pairs and encouraged to come up with anything we wanted. More than half the class created homemade volcanoes. But I wanted to do something different, something unique, revolutionary even. We (okay, mostly I) created a huge maze and trained my hamster to go through it. Along with one other pair, we won scholarships to attend the provincial science fair.

I recall a sixth grade writing project… There had been an earthquake somewhere in the world. We were to write a short story about an earthquake in our town. I went to my mom’s workplace after school for weeks, typing out my story on the receptionist’s typewriter. The result was a 10-page work of fiction that jumped scenes akin to a soap opera.

I never was satisfied with just doing “enough.” I disdained the idea of simply doing what everyone else was doing. Even if I wanted to, I don’t think I could have possibly found contentment in following someone else’s lead. And, there was that minor discovery about how much I completely loved writing…

#3 – What are your spiritual gifts?

Spiritual gifts are more than just personality type, communication style, talents, or abilities. (Although, discovering those things about yourself will also really help in figuring out your calling!) Spiritual gifts are unique to those belonging to God’s family. When we accept Christ, He gives us gifts that fit our callings, through His Holy Spirit. Many of those gifts are fitting with the skills and interests we already have, but some of those gifts we will see develop over time, as we grow in our relationship with God.

Even as a young child, I was considered the mother hen of the group. I think that was their nice way of telling me I was bossy! But I simply loved organizing things and people and schedules. I would help my friends sort their binders and choose their course options. My administrative gifts were evident early on.

You know that bossy thing, though? It was a problem (at least for other people). But my motives were well-intentioned. I wanted everyone to be their best, to do their best, to give their all. It made me mad when people didn’t. It has only been in the past few years that I learned new ways – better ways – to encourage people. It was through practice and experience that my gift of exhortation was discovered.

#4 – What are your experiences?

God does not waste our pain and struggles. Not ever. If we let Him, He will use every difficult thing we have ever walked through to draw others to Him.

Is there something in your life, something that you have survived, that you just know in your gut must have a purpose?! Chances are, it does.

Those who run women’s shelters are often women who were previously abused. If you are walking through a difficult marriage or painful divorce, chances are the only people you really want to talk to about it are others who have been on that same path. Support groups and recovery groups are usually led by those who share that experience. Without the willingness of those people, we would have nowhere to turn when life’s trials begin to beat us down.

Perhaps God is calling you to be willing…

#5 – Sometimes you just gotta try!

There is no perfect formula to uncovering the work that God has called you to. Some people just know. Other have no clue! While I believe it is vitally important for us to serve within our gifts (that is to say, serve in ways that use our gifts and fuel our passions), sometimes the only way to figure it out is by trial and error.

Those things you find joy in, you feel challenged but not overwhelmed in, and you look forward to – they are probably bringing you closer to that calling. Those things that drain you, make you feel discouraged and disgruntled, that you dread – they are not likely to be taking you in the right direction. It’s okay to try something and, when you realize it’s not where you should be, to let it go.

I’m hoping my mom will share her story of “just trying” something out in the comments. (Hint, hint.)

Do you know what your calling is/ where your passions lie? If not, are you ready to find out?

* Pretty much this whole post has its basis in 1 Corinthians 12, so check it out.

Filed Under: Building Your Ministry, ministry, Q/A, spritual gifts December 10, 2010 By Tyler Rowan 6 Comments

I’m Just a Yeller…

An anonymous friend posed a really great question last week that I’ve decided to tackle this morning. I don’t really want to talk about anger today because, well, I’ve been feeling pretty pi#%ed off with my kids all week. Which means, as much as I don’t feel like talking about it, I probably should.

Our friend asked, When and how did you discover that you were angry, and not just doing what Moms have to do – yell at our kids to get them to do anything?

Can I be to-the-gut point-blank honest here? For me as much as for you? Thanks…

The fact of the matter is, we moms do NOT have to yell at our kids to get them to listen to us. While certain circumstances will require a raised voice (safety concerns, a massive brawl of 14 children that needs to be stopped, a generally loud situation), if it seems as though every circumstance is one of those, we need to take that as our first clue that something is amiss. A raised voice should be the exception, not the rule. If we are yelling regularly, we have a problem.

If you were a fly on my wall, you would likely listen in on the odd conversation between Pat and I where one of us is asking, “Why do we have to yell at the kids to get them to listen and obey?” It’s one that we revisit more regularly than I’d like. Really, though, we both know the answer… If we need to yell at our kids to make them listen and obey, it is because we have taught them that they don’t have to listen or obey until/unless we are yelling.

I assure you, I am the last person who will ever pass judgement on another mother! I know how hopeless it feels, how impossible it looks. I am the queen of yelling and swearing, and I often catch myself thinking, “I am never going to be able to NOT yell!” So as you read my gut-honest words, do not feel condemned. Everyone has their issues…anger happens to be ours.

If you think you may have anger issues but are not totally sure, here are seven questions you can ask yourself:
1. Have I ever told myself or someone else, “I’m a yeller. That’s just who I am.”?
2. Have I ever had the urge to hurl an object across the room in frustration?
3. Whether or not I speak them, do I think curse words in my head when I’m frustrated?
4. If my child(ren) does thinks like slamming doors and shouting, “I hate you!” am I tempted to respond with those same words and reactions?
5. Do I frequently find myself feeling annoyed with my children’s constant interruptions and requests?
6. Do I sometimes react in ways that are disproportionate to the situation? (For example, feeling truly angry about a spilled cup of juice.)
7. Am I a different mother behind closed doors than I am out in public?

There’s no magic formula, no points system, but if you found yourself answering “yes” to a few of those questions, it’s probably time to get alone with God and ask Him if you have a problem with mommy anger.

And you know that hopeless, impossible thing? For the record, that’s a lie. It’s a big, fat, ugly lie that Satan wants us to believe so that we don’t even try to overcome this struggle. Victory is possible. I believe it with everything in me. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t be out here on the World Wide Web (and hopefully, eventually in book format) publishing all my shortcomings for the world to see. The only way it’s hopeless and impossible is if we try to do it on our own.

For nothing is impossible with God.
~Luke 1:37 (NLT)

Because I hate to leave you hanging here with a bunch of unanswered questions, here are some posts that I hope will help…

Seven Steps to Stop Anger in its Tracks – help for the heat of the moment

How to Help an Angry Mom, parts three and four – help for the parent who doesn’t know what to do instead of yelling

What to do When You Mess Up – help for those times when we “fall off the wagon”

Why I’m Writing About my Anger – to answer your other question, Why do you want to write a book? (specifically this book)

Filed Under: anger, Mommy Why Are You Angry?, Q/A, real life November 25, 2010 By Tyler Rowan 3 Comments

How to be Superwoman (or not), part two

I’m still answering a question posed to me last week. If you haven’t yet, go ahead and read part one. Then when you hop back here it won’t seem as though I’m starting in the middle of a thought.

Step Three: Make time.

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens. ~Ecclesiastes 3:1

We’ve all heard it said that people make time for what’s important to them. It’s true. Writing is important to me, so I tackle it early in the morning before doing much of anything else (besides getting the kids off to school). I won’t even start a load of laundry before writing on my blog, because I know that I am far too easily distracted.

I used to give myself “Facebook time” while I ate my lunch, until I realized that I was allowing myself to waste an hour (or more) every day doing nothing! Instead, I now watch BLAST* teaching videos while I eat my lunch. (Just a note, on weekdays I don’t eat lunch with the kids. I feed them, and once they’re done and into quiet time/nap I sit down for mine.)

Not only do we need to make time for the important stuff and get rid of the time killers, we really need to allow ourselves to become okay with leaving some things undone (whether for today or forever). There are times when my house looks like a sty and I make the kids pull out the “cleanest” jeans from the dirty laundry pile. There are times when my desk looks like a hurricane victim and I will actually choose to throw away some things that could/should be done. I have only been parent helper at school once so far this year, and probably only two or three times last year (whereas some moms – the really good ones who I want to be like when I grow up – are there twice a month). And I have not placed a photo in an album since Megan’s birth more than seven years ago. So yeah, I don’t do it all! Not at all.

Step Four: Find your own super power.

Each of you has your own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that. ~1 Corinthians 7:7b
Do not neglect your gift… ~1 Timothy 4:14a

I just need to say one more thing about how I get done all that I need to… It’s all about personality and giftings! I like to be busy, I thrive on a full schedule, and I function best with my hands full. It’s a fine balance between really busy and too busy, but I’d like to think I’m self-aware enough that I usually pick up on the signals that I’m doing too much fairly quickly.

The fact is, I’m a deadline girl and I always have been. Homework assignments, exams, pumping gas, waitressing – all were done best when I was under pressure. Recently, as my schedule began to fill up with Heart to Heart stuff and Logos society things, Pat told me he was excited – excited for me to finally be busy because he knew he’d be fed yummier meals in a tidier house, all while I was actually (finally) getting to work on my book.

Maybe it’s not even that I thrive on being busy so much as I am too lazy to be allowed to be idle.

If you’re not built like me, then you’ll never be the kind of non-Superwoman I am. Each of us needs to find our own super powers. If you do best with the slow and steady method, that is your super power. Work with it. Embrace it. And for goodness sake, tell me how you always seem to be so calm, cool, and collected!

Lynne, Bobbie, does this answer your question? I know I didn’t include a daily schedule for you Bobbie, but I’m hoping this gives a pretty clear picture. Does it? Thanks for asking! (I can feel my brain beginning to click again.)

* If you are pursuing a ministry in speaking and writing, and BLAST catches your interest - definitely DO IT! The learning has been invaluable. And if you register, make sure you let Shannon (Ethridge) know I sent you, and she’ll give me a bit of a discount on my tuition.

Filed Under: friendship, housework, ministry, motherhood, my walk, Q/A, real life, speaking, time experiment, writing November 23, 2010 By Tyler Rowan 2 Comments

How to be Superwoman (or not), part one

In my Just Ask post last week, Lynne posed the question:
How do you get everything done for your family, not neglect your relationship with God, and find time to write too?

Bobbie’s question was similar:
I have a general question but want specific answers…. How do you do it all? I mean, really, HOW do you do it all? What practical things do you do every day to fit in all that you’ve got going on? What does a few of your daily schedules look like? Do you use the crock pot to cook dinner a lot? Are you super organized? I need tips to be more productive in my own life!

So I figured it would be helpful share my four-step tutorial on How to be Superwoman (or not). Because I prefer to use more words than necessary, I’ll split this into two posts. You’ll thank me later.

Step One: Never neglect time with God.

I delight in Your decrees; I will not neglect Your Word. ~Psalm 119:16
Okay, that’s not to say that I never neglect time with God. But I shouldn’t. And neither should you. Know what I mean?

In my world, experiencing quiet time cannot occur if children are awake. And given my bent toward complete and utter couch vegetation after they’re tucked in for the evening, the twilight hours are ruled out. By process of elimination, I’ve found that my relationship with God is best fostered in the wee hours of the morning.

A number of years ago I started rising an hour before the kids so that I would have enough time for coffee, prayer, listening, Bible study, Bible reading, Scripture memory, and worship. No, I don’t do all of those things every morning! But I do probably tackle each of them once or twice over a two-week period.

I also don’t view my quiet time as my only time of day to be in relationship with the Lord. He and I converse throughout the day. If I’m unsure about making a certain purchase while out grocery shopping, I ask God. If I am running late for an appointment but make it on time anyway thanks to low traffic and lots of green lights, I thank Him. If I have six million things on my “to do” list that day, I ask God where to start, and what to do next all day. Whatever doesn’t get done, I trust is something that He didn’t need me to take care of that day.

If you ever hear me being frazzled, flustered, or stressed, you can pretty much be assured that I’ve forgotten step one. The tough thing for me is that all of my secrets are revealed in my writing. Although, the knowledge that you will be able to tell when I’m not in close fellowship with my Abba is a pretty good accountability tool!

Step Two: Schedule, schedule, schedule.

She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. ~Proverbs 31:27
I like to feel organized. I didn’t say that I am organized, but I like to feel as though I am. One thing that helps me is to schedule everything that I can.

Social life – While building friendships is very important to me (and also one thing God has called me to do), I tend to be very particular about how I make and take time to do so. If we’re going to have coffee and a visit together, we will often email back and forth a few times to schedule a date and time – frequently up to two weeks away. But when I make these dates, I commit to myself to keep them (I really, really try not to cancel). Things like girls’ night out, home parties, and so on only happen for me a couple times a year. It’s worth saying that I have great friends who understand my priorities and my calling. I pray that they can say the same of me.

Marriage – I book a date night roughly every second weekend (on paydays). This has been an integral part of our marriage for several years. I also try to schedule my “work” during the day, so that my evenings are free to hang out with my man. I like to sit on the couch reading a good book next to him as he watches the hockey game. (Really, there is only so much hockey a girl can take! Even a Canadian one.)

Household duties – I used to try to get all my housework done on one day of the week. A grueling five-hour day of utter exhaustion. This house is too big for that, and the laundry far too demanding! We’ve recently begun doing the house cleaning as a family on the weekends, and I am really enjoying it! We tend to be homebodies on the weekends anyway, so it’s not cutting into anything, and everyone seems to enjoy working together. I haven’t fine-tuned the laundry thing yet, but so far it seems to be working well to simply toss in a load whenever I pass by the machines. The kids all put away their own laundry (well, put away is used very loosely).

When it comes to meals, I do best with a meal plan. Having a monthly meal plan helps me know what are the essential purchases, what meat to pull out of the freezer in the morning (or the night before), and how much prep time I’ll need. Planning meals means I can decide which days require crock pot cooking in advance (activity nights) and which days I can do something bigger. I must confess that I have been lacking a meal plan for months now. The unfortunate solution has been too much eating out and too many dinners of kid fare (mini pizzas, grilled cheese sandwiches, etc.).

Family time – Busy or not, it’s hard to get quality time together with a family of seven. So we try to get our time where we can… Family movie night, swimming, skating, walking the dog, going to the playground (neither of those last two really happens for 8 months of the year).

Pat and I also try to take individual dates with each child once or twice over the course of the school year. What works for me is to “blitz” them – I email Pat with four occasions (we don’t really need to take Kai out yet) that all occur within two weeks. I try to combine our date nights with things that need to get done anyway. For example, I’ll take someone for dinner and then we’ll grocery shop together.

————————–
Pop back here tomorrow, and I’ll conclude my answer to Lynne and Bobbie’s question with steps three and four on How to be Superwoman (or not).

Filed Under: friendship, housework, ministry, motherhood, my walk, Q/A, real life, speaking, time experiment, writing November 22, 2010 By Tyler Rowan 2 Comments

Just Ask

Want to know the #1 lesson I’ve learned about being a writer?

Writers write.

Complex, I know. But this simple message pushed me to move from being a once-in-a-while blogger to a 4-ish times per week blogger. While I might not have time to work on my book every day (and frankly, there comes a point when seeking publication that it’s better not to write much more; publishers like to see enough to know that you can do it, with enough work remaining to be assured that they will have some say in how the book develops), taking time to jot down 500-1000 words a few times each week is good exercise.

Have you ever worked out at the gym diligently for a couple months and then taken a week-long hiatus? Returning can be a bit painful and difficult, and you essentially have to re-train your body in doing all the exercises. Taking a break from blogging is kinda like that.

Last week, with the kids all home on break, I slacked off here. This week, I am retraining my mind. Want to help me get back in shape?

Here’s what you can do (please, please do it!)… In the comments of this post, ask me questions. Lots of questions. Any question you ever wanted to ask. You can ask about my personal life, about anger, about ministry, about raising kids, marriage, or any other topic that strikes your fancy. I’m going to take your questions to build up my muscles – some answers may be entire blog posts, some may get answered in a Q & A style post.

Okay, so who’s gonna help motivate me to get back in shape? Fire away!

Filed Under: blogging, Q/A, real life, writing November 18, 2010 By Tyler Rowan 7 Comments

How to Help an Angry Mom, part 4 – Guest Post con’t

Here are the earlier posts in this series:
Why are some moms so angry?
What’s the husband/fathers role in helping an angry mom?
How can we get discipline back under control?

And for today, What is child training and how do we do it? courtesy of Jenny.

I would like to add a couple of notes to my previous post…

1. When children learn to obey the majority of the time, they earn the right to respectfully appeal with something like, “Yes, Mom, may I finish this first?” or whatever is appropriate for the situation. However, appeals can’t follow every directive.

2. Never spank in anger. When you send the child to wait for you, that is your time to gather your thoughts, pray for wisdom and ask God to help you handle the situation calmly and lovingly. If you get frustrated because your child won’t admit what they did, take a break. It will give him/her time to think and you time to refocus. Gal. 6:1 reminds us if anyone is caught in a sin (i.e. disobeying parents), we are to restore them in a spirit of gentleness.

3. I mentioned checking your motive. Let me expound. If your motive is to pay your child back, to get out your frustration, to gain obedience because it is more convenient for you or because of any selfish reason, your motive is wrong. Teaching children the self-control to say no to themselves and yes to you will one day translate into them saying no to themselves and yes to God. Don’t we all wish we had more self-control not to say whatever we’re thinking, not to eat foods we know we shouldn’t, not to spend money we know isn’t within the budget? Self-control is a gift. And we can give this gift to our children through loving, consistent discipline which is aimed toward the child’s benefit, not ours.

4. I know that there are some who would read “spank in love” and scoff. That is just not something that is conceivable to them. I can understand that. Sin has tainted what biblical discipline should look like. People have been hurt and therefore have abandoned the truth of God’s word. Proverbs says, “Every word of God proves true.” Colossians 2:8 warns us not to be taken captive by the world’s hollow and deceptive philosophies because God has made foolish the wisdom of this world (I Cor. 1:20).

So on to Training and Encouragement…

Consistency in discipline is vitally important but

No amount of discipline will make up for a lack of training!

What does that mean? It means that you can give consequence after consequence but you will see a significant difference if you take the time to teach your child not only what to “put off” as Eph. 4 tells us but what to put on. Don’t athletes practice, practice, and practice some more before actually going out to compete? So why not give our children time to practice obeying during a fun, non-confrontational training time?

During training time, you can teach your kids what you mean by first-time obedience. Tell them what you’ve seen them doing: talking back, grumbling, ignoring, etc. You can even act out what you’ve seen them doing. This usually makes a huge impact and the kids think it’s hilarious seeing Mom and Dad acting like them. Next, explain using Scripture such as Ephesians 6:1-2 and Phil 2:14 why what they’ve been doing is wrong. Carefully explain and/or act out what you would like to see. Then let them know what the consequence will be if they don’t obey cheerfully, right away, all the way and no matter what.

Now it’s practice time! Give them a task to perform.

Example) “Becky, please take these two toys and put them where they belong.” Becky says cheerfully, “Yes, Mom.” When she finishes, she comes back and reports, “Mom, I put the toys away. Is there anything else I can do to help?” You encourage her with, “Thank you, Becky, for obeying cheerfully and right away!”

You can also use this time to practice all kinds of things like how to resolve an argument with a sibling, the best way to ask for a toy, how to sit quietly in church, what to do when a friend says something unkind, how to look an adult in the eye and carry on a conversation. Whatever you want to work on, use this time to practice it. The more you want to work on, the more often you schedule training time. If you have littler ones, you may want to set aside two nights a week. For older kids, once a week or every other week might do.
I will say try to make it a set night if possible. It will help you to remember and actually do it if you know it’s “Tuesday Training Time.”

I love how Mrs. Duggar puts it, “Practice makes progress!” That’s what we’re looking for, progress…not perfection.

Lastly, don’t forget to praise, encourage and thank your children when you see respectful, loving behavior. When someone praises you for something, doesn’t it make you want to do it again? And if we’re only correcting what we don’t like, they will become discouraged. They need to be assured that they are on the right track. “Thank you, Lucy, for showing love to your sister by sharing that toy!” “Wow, Cameron, what a kind boy you are!” “Good job, Molly, obeying so quickly! Thank you.”

While teaching first-time obedience calmly, consistently and in love will bring peace and order to your home, it is equally important to remember when Jesus said there was no greater commandment than to “‘love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength [and to] love your neighbor as yourself.’”

If our children are outwardly obedient but inwardly defiant, or outwardly respectful to you and others but don’t love others, it is worthless. We lead first by example, then through teaching what the Word says and allowing the Holy Spirit to do His work in their lives. Parenting is not a part-time job. It takes a lot of time, patience, love, and proactive, intentional teaching and training. What an awesome responsibility is ours. I want to be found faithful.

It’s been almost seven years since my husband and I were first introduced to the godly parenting information that changed our lives and the vision we have for our family. I don’t know where we’d be without it. I am so very grateful that God led a woman at our church (who is now my mentor) to facilitate a parenting class which was a series of videos by Reb Bradley of Family Ministries called Biblical Insights into Child Training. Since then I have worked with Mr. Bradley and even had the opportunity to have him stay with us recently. I love this man’s heart and am so grateful he has used his God-given gifts of wisdom and teaching to share with parents a biblical, practical, and counter-cultural way to raise up warriors for Christ. Thanks to him, I understand what the Bible means when it says that children are a blessing and reward.

By the way, Mr. Bradley has a new series called Parenting Teens with the Wisdom of Solomon. It’s invaluable!

Thank-you, Jenny! I can personally attest to the effectiveness of diligent child training and discipline. (Because of Jenny taking the time to personally address some struggles our family was having, we tried out her (Reb’s) methods. For some silly reason, we have strayed from that lately, which probably explains yesterday’s post… Back on track!)

I would love to hear if you are going to start something new in your family because of any of the posts in this series! What are you going to try doing differently?

Filed Under: anger, guest post, how to help an angry mom, linking, parenting, Q/A, real life September 29, 2010 By Tyler Rowan 1 Comment

How to Help an Angry Mom, part three Guest Post

Introduction
Part One
Part Two

I was blessed a couple years back to find a friend online who has a gift for parenting. (Seriously, she’s not just good; she’s gifted!) And it’s a gift that she willingly shares with anyone who asks! Jenny currently has five gorgeous children whom she home schools. She and her husband, Roddy, have invested their lives in training their children. This spring, their family of seven will grow to a family of eleven – yes, eleven!!! Jenny is expecting blessings #6, 7, and 8 (not in her womb, but in her heart – their three daughter will be coming home from Ethiopia in the winter/ spring). Blessing #9 is also on the way, and is expected to make an appearance in April - this one is coming the traditional way, bringing Jenny the need for extra rest and eventually providing her with an attractive waddle.

For moms who struggle with anger, one of the feelings that overwhelms us is the sense of us and our children being “out of control.” Getting it back under control takes some hard work, but it is work worth doing! If you are an angry mom, ask God to give you the energy and focus to try something new (trust me, these methods actually take less energy than yelling). If you are married to an angry mom, ask the Lord for the wisdom to begin this new thing in a way that will encourage and inspire your wife to follow suit.

I have been the recipient of Jenny’s personalized advice for my family situation numerous times. If you do what she says, things will begin to change – I promise!

I was sitting on a transportation system at an amusement park not too long ago when the mom next to us angrily say to her son, “You have not obeyed me all day! I’ve had it! In fact, you haven’t listened to me in six years!” And she went on to inform him that he was going to start obeying right then.

What this mom didn’t know is that she was the one who taught her son not to obey. We’ve all done it. But we don’t even know it.

There are so many things that contribute to Mother Anger…fatigue, busyness, disorganization, hormones, isolation, pride, wrong expectations…the list is lengthy. But when it comes to the area of discipline, I think the biggest frustration is uncertainty. “What is the right thing to do?”

And if you are a follower of Jesus, you know you can’t just accept any old parenting philosophy. We know that our children have been entrusted to us by God.

I don’t know about you, but I want to please my Maker. I want to parent biblically. And I know that my God is not a God of confusion but of peace (I Cor 14:33). But you see, the world has bombarded us with messages that tell us the Word is not sufficient to answer all our questions. We need the “experts” to tell us what is best for our children. And those experts have left us in confusion and turmoil. We are frustrated and our children are frustrating

Personally, I think the One who made us and our children is the One we need to tell us how to parent. That said, what does God say and how do we apply it practically, daily?

And how did the frustrated mom at the amusement park accidentally teach her son to disobey? More than likely through inconsistency, lack of training (on her son’s part) and criticism.

Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Honor your father and mother…
~Ephesians 6:1-2

Did you notice this verse does not exclude two year olds or strong-willed children?

You know it’s frustrating to have to repeat yourself over and over again. Do we really have to count (1…2…3), threaten, bribe or yell to have our children obey us? Can we speak calmly and sweetly and expect our children to obey the first time? The answer is yes.

In our home obedience must be done Cheerfully, Right Away, All the Way and No Matter What. Anything else is considered disobedience. When our children obey in this way, they are honoring us and will be blessed by God. I want this for my children.

The consequence for disobedience for children under 10, is a calm, private spanking (Prov 29:15).

Example) When you ask your child to do something and they don’t do it with a good attitude, right away, thoroughly and without excuse or comment, all you do is say (calmly), “Bobby, meet me in your room, please.” Don’t have a conversation at this point.

When you get to the room, you might say, “Did I ask you to put away your toys?” Bobby answers, “Yes.” Mom says, “Did you obey cheerfully (or whichever applies)?” Bobby says, “No.” Mom asks, “So what has to happen?” Bobby says, “I need a spanking.”

Spanking is about restoration, not alienation or abuse. Hug your child. Pray with him or her. Then teach them how to apologize specifically…”I’m sorry, Mom, for not obeying cheerfully.” Forgive him and make sure you both have a good attitude before leaving the room. Then, go back to your originally places and ask Bobby to clean up his toys again.

For children older than 10, there needs to be a consequence that relates to the disobedience. If you have told your child a time warning, “Five more minutes of computer time,” but when it comes time to get off, she argues, stalls, or huffs and puffs, the consequence could be missing her next computer time.

Important: No consequence should be extreme or about pay back. Three weeks off the computer would be extreme. Always watch your motive.

Consistency is key! If we ignore disobedience some of the time and discipline for it other times, our children will be confused and will always hope for the time you won’t bring a consequence. Discipline becomes more about the mood mom is in than about the fact that God has called children to obey and honor and has called parents to train them up (Eph 6:4).

And how much better to take care of an issue the first time, before we’re frustrated from repeating, threatening, etc. Having the mindset that nothing else is more important than training your children and dropping whatever we’re doing to take care of them will have eternal rewards.

So, discipline is obviously important but…

No amount of discipline will make up for a lack of training!

…more about child training from Jenny coming soon…

In my post Sort of ObedienceI mentioned that my children seldom obey me the first time I ask them to do something. I do believe we will be printing off a poster (as a reminder for the kids and ourselves) that quotes, “Cheerfully, Right Away, All the Way, and No Matter What!” Thanks Jenny – as always, you have inspired me to change my inconsistent ways. I can’t wait to learn about training our children!

Filed Under: anger, guest post, how to help an angry mom, linking, parenting, Q/A, real life September 27, 2010 By Tyler Rowan 1 Comment