Moving | E. Tyler Rowan

Without Question

image courtesy of eslpod.com

I’ve been questioning God lately.

I’m not being completely honest here… I almost always question Him.

It’s not that I don’t trust God. Rather, I don’t trust myself. I have doubts and second-guess what I think I’ve heard.

Here’s the short version of my most recent example of questioning…

1. God tells us to move. We (Pat and I) both clearly sense that one of the reasons for the move is so that I can focus on building my writing and speaking ministry.
2. I do some things to build the ministry.
3. It seems to be growing more slowly than I had hoped or anticipated.
4. I wonder, “Did I hear right? Is this really what I’m supposed to be doing? Maybe there’s something else I should be doing in the meantime.”
5. I investigate a variety of career options. I apply for jobs. (Not that I ever intend to actually be a working mom, because I’m quite certain that my work in life will be a combination of motherhood and ministry. I’m just thinking of working in the meantime, while I wait for the ministry dream to become a reality.)
6. Doors close. No job for me.
7. I am left wondering where I went wrong and asking God questions.
8. As is His style with me, I sense God’s reply holds a mixture of patience, chagrin, and sarcasm. “I never did tell you to apply for jobs, did I? So what exactly are you unclear about?”
9. I still wonder and worry.
10. God provides confirmation of His calling through two emails from magazine publishers.

I have an awareness that I am supposed to press on, yet a desire for something to happen now. Because God’s plan doesn’t seem to be fitting the same timeline as my plan, I question.

I know an amazing woman, Donna Jordan, who teaches with YWAM (Youth with a Mission) on hearing the voice of God (aka listening prayer). She asks God questions all the time, but she doesn’t question Him. Once she has her answer, she trusts.

I was thinking how I’d like to be more like Donna. To be the kind of woman who knows that I know that I have been given clear direction from my Father, trusting Him for as long as it takes…without question.

The difference between Donna and I (besides the fact that she’s a seasoned woman who’s spent most of her adult life as a missionary and I’m a younger mom living in the comforts of a big house in the city) – she talks to God and listens to Him every. single. day. She is so familiar with His voice that there is little room for doubt.

If I want to be a woman who does not question my Daddy’s instructions, I need to be absolutely and utterly familiar with the sound of His voice.

I recently heard Brad Jersak speak on listening to God, and he shared about a challenge that his wife took on. She added a few minutes to her daily quiet time to ask God one question and journal His answer. Every day. For forty days. It changed her relationship with her Abba forever.

I have decided to take up her challenge for this year’s season of Lent – the 40 days where we prepare our hearts to truly celebrate Christ’s sacrifice, His death and resurrection. According to my friend, Google, Lent begins on Ash Wednesday (March 9th this year) and ends on the Saturday of Easter weekend (April 23rd). If you’re into math (fellow geeks unite!), you’ll count 46 days. Also according to Google, the Sundays in Lent are not included in the 40-day count, as each Sabbath is considered a “mini-Easter” celebration.

During that time, I’d like to share some of my experiences with you. I’d love for some friends to join me and blog about their times of listening to God, too. I’ll put up a linky and everything. On Thursdays, from March 10 – April 21, we can fellowship together over coffee and under our Father’s love. Sometime between now and then, I’ll come up with a catchy name and a button for our little series. (Now accepting applications for “catchy name developers” and “pro-bono blog button designers.” *wink*)

Anyone else need a fresh word from God?

Would you care to join me on this Lenten journey of asking, listening, and writing it down?

It’s important to mention one other person who has inspired my desire to seek out God’s voice more intentionally, because she teaches me more about Him every time she writes… Sandy, thank you for always bringing us back to centre – back to God – at God Speaks Today. Your series 30 Days of Hearing God was a major inspiration for this unnamed series; your series God Speaks through the Storm is what brought me to your blog; and your current series, Freedom from Perfection is getting on my nerves (in a good way)! If we lived in the same zip code/ postal code, I can guarantee that you’d find me lurking on your porch angling for a coffee and a visit chalk full of wisdom and inspiration far more often than you’d like!

Filed Under: carnivals, His Word, ministry, moving, my walk, obedience, without question February 16, 2011 By Tyler Rowan 5 Comments

Maturity, does it equal boredom?

Do you ever wonder what happens to us when we become “mature” Christians? What changes? How do we get there? How did others get there?

A few things come to my mind when I think “mature” Christian:
- long walk with God
- enduring in faith through life’s ups and downs
- in the Word every day
- praying for hours at a time
- faith that is calm (in contrast to the “fiery” and exuberant faith of a new believer)
- serene
- bored and boring (yes, I said it!).

There is a part of me that admires and aspires to be like the women I know who have walked with God for what seems like forever. But there is this tiny part of me that whispers, “Please Lord, don’t let it be boring!”

Maybe you remember my prayers for the year of 2009? I prayed for God to unsettle me. I asked Him not to let me get too comfortable. He answered, and answered, and answered, and answered again!

This year, I began praying that the Lord would consecrate me (make me holy and set apart for His purposes). I didn’t want to settle for a faith that was simply “good enough.” But in the back of my mind I was also reminding Him that I didn’t want to be bored (or boring).

For a short time, I let my heart drift away from His. I was bored AND boring. I had created my own little self-fulfilling prophecy (think that it will be lackluster and you will surely end up disinterested). But I was not, as I feared, uninspired because of maturity. I grew apathetic because I was slowly emptying of that which fills me – His Spirit. What little of Him I had inside of me was seeping out through my many cracks. As those cracks are pieced back together, and I feel the filling up happening again, things* are happening.

Guess what – deciding to be a “grown up” in the faith is far from humdrum! No, I sense that I am about to embark on an escapade of God-sized proportions!

I suspect that maturity is not tedious at all, but that it comes from maintaining a sense of peace, faith, and trust while riding life’s ups and downs, over and over again. I am beginning to realize that the quest to become established and settled is probably one of the most adventurous journeys we can embark on!

No one is ever bored on a roller coaster! Some people – those familiar with its nausea-inducing motion – may appear a bit blase as they take their hundredth loop-de-loop, but we must be careful not to mistake their composure for apathy. If we were to hook them up to a biometrics machine, the heart rates of the experienced rider would be no slower than the shrieking 13-year-old boy’s in the front row. Their composure is gained by holding fast, practicing lots, and the total faith (that comes with much experience) of knowing that they will not fall.

* things defined: life’s ups and downs; stretching; growing; finding oneself in need of God’s amazing provision; praying; seeking; obeying in spite of obstacles and doubt

In other words, not a single prayer said on our behalf would be wasted right now!

Filed Under: anger, consecration, faith, family, fast food fast, ministry, Mommy Why Are You Angry?, moving, my walk, real life, She Speaks, tithing, writing May 26, 2010 By Tyler Rowan 1 Comment

How to Repair a Cracked Vase

The fall was a time of some major highs and lows in our family.

Pat gets offered a promotion – high.
We need to move – low.
Asking God to provide and seeing it happen – high.
Settling into new everything – low.
There were, of course, many others, but you get the picture.

Through the entire roller-coaster ride, we leaned hard on God. It was a new thing in our marriage – to pray together – but we pushed through our discomfort and did it, daily. Regardless of my emotions, I felt the presence of the Holy Spirit over every moment of every day.

We are settled into our new life and its routines. The kids seem to be comfortable at their new schools. We have decided to make our new church our “home” church. Along the way we’ve even had a few free moments to make some friends.

But there’s an underlying sense of…something. Sadness? Emptiness? Unfulfilled-ness? (Yes, I do realize that’s not a word!) There’s this thing that’s nagging at me. God feels far away. I know that He didn’t take a step back from me, which means I’m the one that moved.

Last year (2009) I memorized 24 Scripture verses; this year, zilch. Last fall our family was a family of prayer – Pat and I prayed together, we prayed with the kids, we prayed with friends, we prayed over every single decision; this year, at least we still pray at mealtimes and bedtimes with the kids. Last year I committed to getting up at 5:30am for my quiet time with the Lord and I rarely missed a morning; this year I rise a little bit early on random days and try to squeeze in a few minutes. I used to be responsible for mentoring many other women in their walk with the Lord, and I took that calling seriously; without that level of accountability I have allowed myself to slack off.

Just as it is no surprise that I gained back all my lost weight when I decided to “take a break” from exercising and eating well, I shouldn’t be surprised that taking a break from vital spiritual habits has placed distance between me and God.

So here I am, working to piece together the fragments of my faith. I am like a vase that developed a hairline crack, and as time wore on little shards of clay fell out here and there. Not broken, not destroyed, but fractured and in need of repair.

How to Repair a Cracked Vase:

Step one: Pick up the section of the vase that seems easiest to fit back into place. For me, this means returning to the basics of Scripture memory.

Step two: Be generous with the crazy glue and hold it there until it dries. I need to allow the Holy Spirit to do His work settling the Word of God in my heart and mind.

Repeat steps one and two until each segment and sliver of clay is picked up off the floor. A few of the larger chunks I can see are morning time, praise, and prayer. It’s the smaller fragments, though, that will take great concentration to fit back into place. Things like a hunger for God’s Word, peace in my soul, and sensing those little nudges from the Holy Spirit.

While the vase may never be restored to its original beauty, it will be whole again. The shadow of those cracked places will forever be a reminder of what caused the vase to crack and the hard work invested in its repair. And those cracks, they will serve to let the Light shine through a little bit more than it did before the fracture happened.

Filed Under: faith, family, His Word, marriage, ministry, morning time, moving, my walk, real life, writing May 5, 2010 By Tyler Rowan 5 Comments

My Shoulders are no Longer Hunched over by the Weight of the World… or some other witty title that captures the intent of this post

When we decided to move, I knew that having Pat home every night would be special, wonderful, and a blessing to all of us. Because God has made it clear that we are to leave our families and cleave to our spouses, I knew that He would bless this decision. In spite of the heartache moving away from our extended family, friends, ministry, church, and overall support network, there was not a doubt in my mind that this was the right thing to do. (Lest you think that by “moving away” I mean we went far, we are only a 90 minute drive from our old home!)

You know what I had no idea about, though? Just how much difference it makes in life to have a second pair of hands around on a regular basis! I am not the only one on call in the middle of the night. I don’t have to wrangle up friends and grandparents to assist with getting all the kids to activities. I am no longer chef, bus girl, and dishwasher for virtually every dinner. I’m not the only cog in the bath time assembly line. I don’t have to do loving and teaching and discipline and homework all tangled together – on my own. Until I experienced the joy of having my husband home nightly, I had no clue how overwhelmed I was without him.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like Pat was never home. But he was away and working late just often enough that I settled into a comfortable (if not slightly harried) groove of doing it all. I didn’t realize the weight of that burden until it was lifted from me.

Sure, we’ve gotten into a few squabbles along the way. I had a good system, but Pat employs different methods. Sometimes I forget that the end result is more important than the methods and I try to remind him that I know how to do things best. Thankfully, he understands the “planner” part of me and can help me loosen my grip gently.

You know what else has surprised me a bit? The simple fact that I really do like Pat! I can hear you chuckling… It’s not that I ever didn’t like him, but that I was worried that we might get on one another’s nerves and grow tired of each other’s company after so much “togetherness.” But we’re not! Well, I’m not; I guess you’d have to ask him if I’m getting on his nerves.

I like talking with him, hanging out with him, fighting over the remote control with him, planning out our week together. It’s like we’re dating again and don’t want to be apart for any lengthy period of time – and I love it! All these gooey feelings kinda make a girl want to do something as an expression of all that love…like maybe make a baby. Nothing says “we’re madly in love” than creating life together. Whaddya say, honey? Should we explore the possibility of going for #6?

Just kidding… Sort of.

Filed Under: just because, marriage, moving, parenting, real life December 10, 2009 By Tyler Rowan 4 Comments

A Tour in Pictures

Welcome to our new house. You’ll notice the front-attached garage; I am so glad that it’s large enough to fit my big honkin’ Suburban because I hear the winters this far North can get pretty nasty! You will also see the cute little front veranda. I’d like to put an Adirondack chair on it this summer, so I can have a nice little spot to hide out from all the noise.

Now we’re standing just inside the front door, looking at the room we are referring to as the “front living room.” Right now this space feels kinda cold and echo-y to me, but once we get a nice area rug and a chair to cozy up in, I think it will will be perfect for visiting.

For all the pictures, I’ll try to leave some overlap so you can get a sense of how all the rooms flow together…

This is the dining room, attached to/ right behind the front living room. To get this picture I am standing directly in front of the stairs that head up (which are just inside the door and to the right). Make sense???

Just past the stairs heading up is a hallway – imagine that I’ve just turned right and walked down it. Welcome to the “fireplace living room” or “TV room,” depending on who you’re speaking to. You can see a little munchkin cozied up in the new chaise watching TV. We finally gave up on our 12-year-old plush furniture and splurged on some new (discount store) stuff. It is very comfy and easy to clean (an important feature in this household).

The TV room adjoins the kitchen. I am still getting used to having my kitchen and dining room so far apart (you can see the dining room near the top right of this picture – see the candle hanging thingie?). And those stainless appliances…let me tell you about them. Very nice looking, modern, the latest in thing. Mmmmm-hmmmm. Imagine your entire kitchen covered in mirrors where small children can admire themselves and rub their sticky little hands all over. You can easily wash those hand prints, but if you don’t want to leave streaks you must also dry them. Several times a day. Or, if you’re me, not! Our family now considers fingerprints a decorative feature.

Tucked back by the door to the garage is a special little room – the office! Oh how I love having a room that is JUST for the computer. And the forest green paint below the chair rail and on the crown molding (yes, they really did dare to paint the crown molding forest green)…well, it’s growing on me. LOL.

Back by the office is a little half bath (I figured you all know what a bathroom looks like) and the stairs to go down. At the bottom of those stairs you can go left (bathroom), right (family room), or straight ahead (Abbey’s room).

Abbey is quite pleased with her new set-up. She’s got a fort and a desk all rolled into one. And look! Her bed is made! As you will notice, that is an anomaly in our home.

Here’s the family room. That little sectional was a steal I found on kijiji before we moved, and it’s got a hide-a-bed in it for when we have lots of guests to house. (I just love that there is enough room in each of the kids’ bedrooms to add bedding on the floor for more. So if you were thinking of a visit, we’ve got space…) That LaZBoy chair is part of the 12-year-old set. It’s pretty worn, but the kids don’t care what their furniture looks like.

There’s a little nook built in to the family room, I think intended for a bar (you can see the plumbing hook-ups on the right wall). But since we’re more likely to be hosting family game night than anything, we figured we’d put our exercise equipment in the nook. Funny that two people who prefer sitting on the couch to any and all alternatives have so much exercise stuff, eh?

And turning another quarter-turn in the family room you will find the “toy den.”

Did you see that peek of blue at the top right corner of the last picture? That was the doorway to Braeden’s room. Notice the bed – now that’s more like it! He just scored a comfy double bed from Grandma and Grandpa. The downside is that he has to move out whenever we have house guests (and our guests get to cuddle like they haven’t in ten years).

Now imagine that you are running up one flight of stairs, turning left down a little hallway, taking another left and heading up another flight of stairs (this house should really be helping me get my cardio in). At the top of the stairs is a landing that didn’t warrant a picture (with TWO linen closets that totally warrant a mention). At the top of the stairs you can go left (master bedroom), straight ahead (bathroom), slight right (Kai’s room), and far right (Meg & Shea’s room).

The girls have plenty of space for their little playhouse and vanity. Beds unmade, as usual. And their dressers and closet are just out of camera range to the right.

Malakai discovered the joy of hopping out of his crib before we moved. And since Braeden got himself some new digs, we convinced him to pass along the famous car bed. I will throw a party when he stays in bed the first time we put him there!

The master bedroom needs two pictures for you to grasp how much I love it. This is the first time ever that we have had more than just one foot of space to maneuver around the perimeter bed. In this picture I’m standing just inside the door. Notice the his and hers closets to the left. We have finally established who the true fashion diva is in our house, and I won’t name names, but let it be said that my closet has a LOT of empty hangers!

Yes, we really need a picture above the bed there. Yes, I know that most grown-ups make their beds. And yes, those are separate blankets. All the stuff you never wanted to know about me…

Now I’m standing next to the closet door looking the other way. I bet you would have appreciated it if I closed the toilet lid, eh?

And though I’ve resisted posting any bathroom pictures for your viewing pleasure, I could not resist showing you the corner of our en suite. Because who doesn’t love to sink into one of these babies?! (Now we just need a new hot water tank so that we can actually fill it enough to run the jets. Hahaha.)

So there you have it, for all you curious onlookers. And if you weren’t curious – well, now you have successfully wasted half an hour. My apologies.

You know, I got to thinking that this would have been way easier to do in video form. But then I’d have to start all over again. Nix that idea!

In case I didn’t mention it – we’ve got some space here for cramming in friends and their kids. So make a date to come visit. We’ll make you hot dogs and macaroni and play board games with you. As long as you can bear the pungent fragrance of dead mouse trapped within basement walls, that is… But that’s a story for another post

Filed Under: family fun, just because, moving November 30, 2009 By Tyler Rowan 6 Comments

An Email from Me to You

I have been trying to find a way to word an update on life around here…a way that wraps up God’s truths in good writing. But every post I began resulted in an unfinished draft sitting on my dashboard. I decided that the best I can do is to copy and paste an email I sent to a friend about life in our new home. After all, we’re all friends in this place.

The house is so fantastic! I LOVE it, LOVE it, LOVE it! It is big and beautiful. Now we need some furniture to fill it up a bit better. Last night I joked to Pat that I sure hated all the hardwood and vaulted ceilings b/c they made the kids’ noise echo. LOL.

The neighbourhood is lovely. We’ve met one neighbour (Abbey’s teacher) – she gave us her daughter’s name and number b/c her daughter does respite for families with kids with special needs. I can’t get over how super good God is to me! I’m going to call her this afternoon to set up an “interview.” We saw a little girl across the street who Abbey wants me to take her to see, and there’s a boy in Meg’s class across the street who also has an older brother (just a bit younger than Braeden). So looks like a buddy for all the big kids. We have yet to go meet all these people and set up play dates… All in good time.

We visited a new church on Sunday. I found it a bit stoic (contemporary music, but very reserved in their expression of worship – Pat told me I was the only one who raised my hands during the singing, lol). We are not totally sure about it, but we’ll keep visiting for a couple months to give it a fair shot. It’s the largest church in town, closest to the size and number of programs of CrossRoads, so we figured that it might feel the most comfortable.

Yesterday I went to the women’s coffee group there. It was okay. I enjoyed visiting with other women. But overall wasn’t totally sure if I connected with anyone. Mostly just surface. One woman at our table was preparing to be a surrogate for a friend, and I had a difficult time processing that information, so it may have distracted me from making good connections.

Today I went again, but this group is the Bible study group. I cannot even describe how great it was! These women want to go deep, and they were open about their struggles even though I was new in the small group. They were very welcoming and inviting. One of them also has a girl in preschool with Shea!

There’s a women’s Christmas event this weekend – either Th night, Fri night, or Sat AM. I couldn’t decide which night to buy for when I was at church Sun, so I asked which night they needed to sell more tickets for. Ended up with a lonely ticket for Th night. Turns out that five women from the group today are also going Th night! And they’ve invited me to sit with them. Seriously, God just knocks my socks off! I feel so special to Him, that He would take seriously my prayers for a fast friendship.

I am likely going to WW (Weight Watchers) tomorrow. Gained back a bunch since my fast. Needing some discipline and structure. I prob won’t stay for the meeting, as Kai is a trouble-maker, but paying for the weigh-in is often fairly good motivation and accountability for me.

(An addendum for my bloggy readers.)

Lest you think life is all sunshine and roses, I should mention that everyone seems to be struggling a bit to settle in. Though school is going well for the kiddos, behaviours at home are most definitely in the category of “acting up.” Emotions are running high…bickering is frequent…tears come easily…defiance is the only rule. Oh, and the dog finally broke her hunger strike just today!

But I know that this is all part of the transition. I still believe that God has called us here for a purpose, and I know that when He calls us it is not always easy. Through His strength, we will all work through the tough weeks and come out the other side closer to Him and one another, ready to step into our calling (whatever that is, lol).

Filed Under: Abbey, Braeden, Malakai, Megan, moving, my walk, real life, Shea November 19, 2009 By Tyler Rowan 2 Comments

Reinvented with Grace

Moving to a new city – starting fresh – provides the opportunity to reinvent yourself.

I had visions of grasping this new start with both hands, and being the woman I really want to be.

I would be a great mother – patient, firm, fun, involved. I would teach Scripture memory verses at home after school. I would be in attendance at all school events and extra-curricular activities. I would not yell at my children. I would take joy in them and not allow irritation to overtake my face and my countenance.

I would also get back to eating well, going to a gym, looking great and feeling confident. I could dress a little more fashionably and do my hair and make-up daily.

There are a million things I’d rather be than who I am. Now is my chance to become that girl. Sherwood Park Tyler could be everything Red Deer Tyler wished she was but couldn’t be…

Then reality came crashing in on me. We moved, we ate junk, I gained weight, I wore exercise pants for days, the children went crazy, I went crazy, I yelled and scowled and growled. Why can’t I just change into who I want to be?

The truth is – I am not my own to reinvent. I don’t get to become someone new and different simply because I wish it. I am who God created me to be, and any change that happens in me – in my heart – will be because He has made it happen. Because I am HIS to reinvent.

Lord, reinvent me with Your grace. I don’t want to be someone who I’m not – I want to be the woman You will for me to be. Reinvent me from the inside out. Begin by changing my heart and my perspective to match Yours. Let me not measure my worth by the standards of appearance. I don’t want to “look” like a good mother on the outside but have the stain of anger covering my heart. I don’t want to put on the mask of put-together-ness and remain broken on the inside. I want to be changed by You, through You, for You, and for Your glory. Father, please, reinvent me… As Psalm 51:10 says, create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me.

Soak me in your laundry and I’ll come out clean,
scrub me and I’ll have a snow-white life.
Tune me in to foot-tapping songs,
set these once-broken bones to dancing.
Don’t look too close for blemishes,
give me a clean bill of health.
God, make a fresh start in me,
shape a Genesis week from the chaos of my life.
Don’t throw me out with the trash,
or fail to breathe holiness in me.
Bring me back from gray exile,
put a fresh wind in my sails!
Give me a job teaching rebels your ways
so the lost can find their way home.
Commute my death sentence, God, my salvation God,
and I’ll sing anthems to your life-giving ways.
Unbutton my lips, dear God;
I’ll let loose with your praise.
Psalm 51:7-15 (MSG)

Filed Under: anger, His Word, Mommy Why Are You Angry?, moving, my walk, real life, weight loss November 16, 2009 By Tyler Rowan 3 Comments

In the Thick of it

The house is packed!

Two talented movers packed everything in our house in about four hours. They returned the next day to pack up the garage and shed – which took them less than three hours. And today they have the giant truck and trailer out front. It’s amazing how quickly they can move seven peoples’ possessions.

Tomorrow is “moving day.” That is, we are actually moving in to the new house tomorrow. That will be followed by many, many days of unpacking.

I’ve turned over the reigns of WOW to the new Ministry Lead, Stacy. Yesterday I gave her my keys and files and binders… It wasn’t as hard as I expected it to be.

I think the toughest part of this move is over – the saying good-bye. Now I’m just ready to get on with it!

I do apologize for the lack of updates (and especially the lack of any quality writing) on this here blog. I see that a few precious friends have deleted themselves from my list of “followers” during this lull. *wiping tears* For those who remain, if you’ll just continue to stick with me through the next week or two of chaos, I promise to get back to some deep thinking soon.

Until then, I can barely think at all!

Filed Under: ministry, moving, real life, writing November 9, 2009 By Tyler Rowan 7 Comments

This might hurt, it’s not safe…

During this busy, sometimes stressful, all-too-often emotionally overwhelming season of life, the temptation to get caught up in it all is great.

I feel myself wanting to get all wrapped up in my stress.

I hear myself thinking that maybe it would be easier to step back now, distance myself quickly before it hurts too much.

If I give into either of those, though, I know I will be letting the enemy have his way with me. Getting all wrapped up in me keeps me from praying for the needs around me. It’s so easy to slip into praying “God, be with me, bless me, help me” and neglect praying, “Lord, be with her, bless him, help them.” Pulling away, while it would perhaps ease the painful parts of moving away, would leave me empty. It’s impossible to pull back from the people around you and stay close to God. And without closeness with Him, my heart is a great, big hole.

This song has been drawing me back, helping me keep my heart where it needs to be – in the here and now, on Him.

This might hurt, it’s not safe
But I know that I’ve gotta make a change
I don’t care if I break,
At least I’ll be feeling something
‘Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of life

I don’t wanna go through the motions
I don’t wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don’t wanna spend my whole life asking,
“What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?”

No regrets, not this time
I’m gonna let my heart defeat my mind
Let Your love make me whole
I think I’m finally feeling something
‘Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of this life

‘Cause I don’t wanna go through the motions
I don’t wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don’t wanna spend my whole life asking,
“What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?”

take me all the way (take me all the way)
take me all the way (’cause I don’t wanna go through the motions)
take me all the way (I know I’m finally feeling something real)
take me all the way

take me all the way (take me all the way)
take me all the way (I don’t wanna go, I don’t wanna go)
take me all the way (through the motions)
take me all the way

I don’t wanna go through the motions…

Filed Under: moving, my walk, real life November 2, 2009 By Tyler Rowan 2 Comments

Aching Heart

This week, my heart has been wrenched to and fro.

In addition to the surprise on my date night and the blessing at the church staff meeting, I was blessed and honoured at Friendship Factor on Wednesday. You wouldn’t believe the trickery of those girls! People who haven’t been at FF in over a year were tracked down and invited to take the morning off work so they could attend. (Bless their hearts, several did.)

Nothing is more humbling than feeling really, really loved. Did you know that? I would have thought hearing all these people telling me how great I am (I know they are selectively forgetting the bad stuff right now, but hey) would make me feel prideful and oh-so important. But it just doesn’t. It makes me feel a bit shy, a bit confused, and very tender.

I cannot wrap my head and heart around it. It seems only last week I was a just-past-teenage mom with only one friend in the whole world. And these past couple of weeks have shown me that I have more friends than I know what to do with. (You should see my calendar these days as I try to have coffee with everyone I love. I am not getting anything done besides socializing!)

Each blessing I receive just makes the loss more profound. Not that I’m really losing these friends – I know that! I will be back at least once per month, and I will insist that they come my way periodically, and the modern miracle of email will keep us in close touch. But what I am losing is a culture of friendship and fellowship. It’s something that took six years to develop, and moving away from this church family is…ouch.

Today I had to take one step further yet. You see, today we chose the woman who will take my position. The only job I’ve held in six years (besides those of wife and mother). A job that exists because it was on my heart and I asked if I could do it. Frankly, I see this ministry more as my baby than as my job. A baby I laboured over, nurtured, prayed for, and loved with my whole heart. And today, I chose an adoptive mother for my baby. I have just over one week to hold this baby close until it is time to extend my arms to the one who will take over the job of its care. And no matter that I know it is God’s will, and it is time, and that it is not only for my good and my family’s but for the baby’s good as well – the ache in my gut just may kill me.

And as I sit here letting the tears flow freely, I hear a gentle whisper in my soul…

Jehovah-Shammah, the LORD is there. I AM there. I AM in Red Deer with WOW, and I will not let it stumble. I AM in Sherwood Park where you will go, and I will not let you stumble. The name of every city you visit, every church you worship in, every ministry you serve with will be: the LORD is there. (from Ezekial 48:35)

Though the ache remains, I know I will live through it, for He is with me.

Filed Under: friendship, ministry, moving, my walk, real life October 29, 2009 By Tyler Rowan 4 Comments