Marriage | E. Tyler Rowan

Marriage Builders

Last week I mentioned five Marriage Busters – behaviors and attitudes that contribute to marital problems. There’s nothing worse than someone telling you what not to do without offering alternatives, so here are five Marriage Builders to help build a strong relationship.

1. Embrace Differences

You’ve heard that Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus… Men are like Waffles, Women are like Spaghetti… women need Love & Respect is what men need… Well, it’s all true! Men and women are inherently different – in their needs and in their primary means of communication. Not only do we need to invest the time to understand these differences, we need to learn to embrace them.

Just the other day I was watching our four-year-old son pretend to shoot passing vehicles with an imaginary shotgun (seriously, a shotgun – he went, “Chck, chck…Boom!”). How does he know this? He’s male, and God created him to do battle, be a protector, be tough. Ever seen a little girl cradling a baby doll saying, “Shhhh, Baby. It’s okay. Mommy’s here.”? She’s female, and God created her to nurture and love.

Too many couples waste valuable time and effort trying to convince their spouse that he or she is wrong and does things the wrong way. The fact is, though, that neither way of being is wrong. They’re just different.

2. Speak your spouse’s love language.

I can’t say enough about The Five Love Languages! If you figure out what someone else’s love language is – and then use it – you will see that person transformed before your eyes. I use the love languages when dealing with my kids, in ministry, at work, and in my marriage.

How does your husband show kindness, love, or appreciation to you? Does he buy you a gift or flowers? (Gifts.) Does he thank you? (Words of affirmation.) Does he snuggle you? (Physical affection.) Maybe he does some jobs around the house to ease your burden. (Acts of service.) Perhaps he takes you out for a date or an evening stroll. (Quality time.) The way he expresses his love is most likely his love language. Try speaking that language to show love to him!

3. Prioritizing.

In a child-dominated society, we tend to feel guilty if our world doesn’t revolve around the children. We spend hours on activities the children are involved with. We plan our meals based around what our children will (hopefully) eat. Or maybe children aren’t the focus, but our jobs are. Or our ministries. Or our friends and extended family. The sad fact is, you seldom see married couples whose marriage is their priority. Spouses too often get our leftovers – whatever bit of time and energy is left at the end of a busy week.

It takes effort and intentionality to put marriage first and give our spouses our best. But it’s so worth it! Imagine how great you’d feel if your husband came in the door, cell phone to his ear, and said, “I need to go. I’m home and I can’t wait to see my wife!”

My mom shared a great quote with me recently… In today’s society women tend to live as though their job is to serve their children and train their husbands, but the Bible says that women ought to serve their husbands and train their children.

4. Get rid of selfishness.

Many a marriage breaks down under the burden of “equality.” I deserve this… Or I’m owed that… Since he got time away to do _______, I’m entitled to time away to.

This isn’t about equality. It’s about selfishness. Constantly thinking about ‘me’ and ‘I’ will get us nowhere but disappointed. But reversing that thinking will bring joy and fulfillment!

Try thinking, He deserves… I want to do this for him… I can make his life easier by… Not only will acting in kindness to your husband bring you joy, but chances are good that it will motivate his heart to act in kindness to you. Eventually, it’s no longer a competition to win what we deserve, but a contest to see who can give more generously to the other.

5. ‘It’ matters.

You know what I’m talking about! Sex means something to men that it doesn’t to women. It truly is more of a need than a want. (Kinda like how women need to talk and share emotions.) So let me ask you a tough question – when is it okay to deny meeting one of your husband’s genuine needs?

Would you deny your dog the exercise that it needs? Would you deny your children the affection that they need? It strikes me as odd how many couples are more concerned about meeting the needs of their offspring and their pets than they are about meeting the needs of their spouse.

If you’re feeling like your marriage isn’t all it could be, take stock. Do you notice a lack of marriage builders in your relationship?

If so, don’t be discouraged! There is hope for change (Pat & I are living proof). Next week, I’ll share a surprising truth about what’s required to turn a failing marriage into a thriving one. It’s not nearly as hard as you might expect!

How can I pray for your marriage today?

Filed Under: marriage, real life, writing May 11, 2012 By Tyler Rowan 4 Comments

Marriage Busters

Last week I was blessed to share some of my experiences and thoughts on marriage with the beautiful women from Home by Choice. By no means am I an expert on how to have a great marriage. Just like every other couple, we have our ups and downs. It’s safe to say that the first five years of our marriage was one big down time. But praise be to God that there are more times of good than bad these days!

Looking back, I can identify five marriage busters that dragged us down…

1. Comparison

Comparing ourselves to others, comparing our marriage to other peoples’ marriages, and comparing our husbands to other husbands – these will all cause us to be dissatisfied. When we look at the lives of others, we see things through the filter that they choose to use. Generally, we only have the opportunity to see the good stuff from the lives of others. So we look at their public lives (the good stuff they allow us to see) and compare them to our private lives (the hard stuff we prefer not to show others). And we are disappointed in our own performance.

When you find yourself making comparisons, remember that everyone you look at has a whole pile of hard stuff going on that is simply hidden from your view. Some of the most perfect looking marriages are haunted with secret abuse, pornography, loneliness, illness, and other pain that we can’t imagine from our looking glass perspective. Are you sure you really want what someone else has?

2. Unrealistic expectations

I entered our marriage expecting endless romance. Flowers, dates, surprises, and more! I also had expectations about which one of us would do what around the house, how much time we’d spend together, and that he’d love my cooking (even though I’d never learned how to cook). My expectations were fueled by things I read in romance novels and watched in chick flicks, as well as by how my parents did (and didn’t do) things. When reality struck and I realized that the man I married isn’t great at planning secret dates, doesn’t clean toilets, and sometimes like to spend time with the guys, I was disappointed.

I thought that my disappointment rested on my husband’s shoulders – that he was letting me down. Eventually though, I realized that I had expected him to change – that once we got married he would suddenly be different than the guy I’d been dating. The problem wasn’t him, but my expectations of him. Did you marry a man believing you would change certain things about him?

3. Neglect

Those years filled with babies and toddlers, night wakings and diaper changes – they are exhausting. And busy. Every moment is filled with caring for the needs of others. And the last thing most of us want is to cheerfully greet our husbands as they walk through the door after work and care for his needs. Instead, we often greet them with a crying baby on our hip saying, “Here, take him. I’m exhausted!” When bedtime rolls around, we’re asleep in seconds.

Days, even weeks, can go by without us really talking or spending time with our husbands. Communications tend to be the relaying of information. Fun is a word we no longer understands. And though we feel disconnected, we’re too tired to talk about it, much less do anything to change it. Sound familiar?

Here’s a saying I love… The grass isn’t greener on the other side of the fence. The grass is greenest where it’s tended to and cared for.

4. Keeping score

We hear things like “it takes two” and “marriage is fifty-fifty.” So we keep a mental tally. He went out with his friends on Monday, so I should get equal hours out on Friday. I did three loads of laundry this weekend, so he should do them next weekend. I do more than half the housework, that’s so unfair.

Marriage is not a fifty-fifty thing. Marriage needs to be one-hundred-one hundred if you want it to succeed.

5. Fighting unfairly

This one tends to crop up in marriages that are bogged down in the other four issues for so long that the couple is deeply hurting and bitter. A simple disagreement about a simple issue (such as what color of paint to buy) can turn into a full-blown argument about a complex problem that’s been ongoing (such as “you never listen to me”).

If minor disagreements tend to grow into major issues on a regular basis, it might be worthwhile to see a marriage counsellor for some help in developing healthier ways of communicating.

If you’re feeling like your marriage isn’t all it could be, take stock. Do you see any (or all) of these five marriage busters running rampant in your relationship?

If so, don’t be discouraged! There is hope for change (we’re about to celebrate our 13th anniversary). In my next post, I’ll share some marriage builders that can help get things back on track.

How can I pray for your marriage today?

Filed Under: marriage, real life, speaking, writing April 30, 2012 By Tyler Rowan 4 Comments

Lessons from a Women’s Retreat

This weekend I had the opportunity to spend some time with 91 other God girls, as we took time away from our daily lives to seek God. In random order and point-form, here are some things I learned…

- Sandy Cooper truly is a good as her blog God Speaks Today! You know how some people are great at communicating God’s truths in writing, but when they speak you’re disappointed? Not so with Sandy. I’ve loved Sandy since I met her at a conference several summers ago. I love her even more now. She is hysterically funny, transparently real, and 100% Biblically sound in her teaching. Also, she’s very beautiful and skinny. (Sandy, that was for you.)

- If you take a fitness buff away from home for long enough, you will be able to lure her into eating the sugary treats she usually avoids. I won’t name names, but the blogger/speaker/writer also known as Fitness Friday Girl may have been seen eating a brownie, a rice crispie square, cookies, and TWO cupcakes. She’s still skinny…

- It really is true that when we seek God with all our heart we will find Him. I found Him again… Not that He was lost, but more like I had wandered far enough off the path that I couldn’t hear His voice calling me anymore. Oh, how I love the comfort of hearing His voice!

- If you hate women’s retreats, you’ve been going to the wrong ones. We had fun and loads of laughter together, we dug deep into God’s Word, we worshipped with abandon, we rested and had quiet times, we met new friends and grew closer to those we already knew. All this and we were on the team who planned and led the retreat!

- True balance in life may look incredibly unbalanced. True balance is found by asking God what He wants me to do for today. (Although I knew this, I needed to learn it again. Thanks for the reminder, Sandy.)

- I am blessed to be surrounded by women who love God and are true friends. Both face-to-face and keyboard-to-keyboard. Kelly, Beverly, and Sandy – you are blessings in my life. Thanks for this weekend.

- When a woman you don’t know comes up to you and tells you that she thinks you are beautiful, it can make a girl glow for days. (If you think nice thoughts about someone, please go tell her. You’ll make her day! Or week.)

- I am blessed to have a husband who loves me enough to send me away for a weekend every year to retreat. Not only did he give me the gift of time with God and girlfriends, he gave me the gift of coming home to dinner on the table, freshly bathed children, vacuumed floors, and laundry on the go. Pat, you are my blessing. (Sorry girls, he’s all mine!)

Filed Under: friendship, listening to God, marriage, my walk, real life, retreat April 2, 2012 By Tyler Rowan 5 Comments

Impress or Influence?

courtesy of squidoo.com

Several years ago, I felt God’s call on my heart. He was drawing me to ministry to women. To be honest, no one was more surprised than I at His calling.

I’ve never really worked well with women. Women – myself included – are prone to taking things personally, to monthly fits of moody irrationality, to backbiting and gossip. (Sure, there are exceptions to the rule. But coming from someone who has worked solely with women for pretty much her entire adult life, I still stand behind the truth that women can be very difficult to work with!)

But God, He tends to do things like that. He calls us to step into the uncomfortable. Not to make us suffer, but to increase our ability to serve Him with joy. More often than not, when we obey, we discover a surprising joy in doing what we once thought “not our thing.” Which is why I now love doing ministry for and with women.

When I began leading that ministry team, I was afraid. I had this continual sinking feeling that everyone would find out the truth about me and tell me I wasn’t fit to be doing God’s work. I dreaded the moment that they all discovered my fraudulent ways.

So in order to protect myself from that shame and pain, I stood aloof. I didn’t let anyone in too close. I couldn’t have anyone finding out that my marriage struggled on and off, depending on the day. I could not risk everyone discovering the anger I struggled with behind closed doors when dealing with my children. They would surely fire me from my volunteer position!

A funny thing happens when you don’t let anyone get close – no one lets you into their lives, either.

I was a leader, with no heart connection to my team. I had no friendships, no one I could turn to and unload. I remained distant, and one by one, team members began to distance themselves.

It was during our team-building summer Bible study that God turned my life around. You see, we were sharing prayer requests, and I felt that Holy Spirit shiver. You know the feeling – your heart pounds so loud that you can barely hear, your hands tremble, you’re covered in goose-bumps, your throat is dry, and you just know that you must speak up.

And so I asked for prayer. Through tears and snot, I hiccupped the confession that I was an angry mom. I yelled. I swore. I felt resentment in my heart. I felt out of control.

The burning feeling that I needed to share ebbed, and stone, cold fear took its place. What had I just done? Surely I sealed my fate. My gig was up. But it wasn’t…

That day is when I truly began to minister to women. You see, real ministry begins in a heart that is willing to be transformed. Those things we keep hidden in the dark will only be turned around when we allow them to come into the Light. When you let the Light of the world shine on your weaknesses, you move from a place of merely trying to impress others into a place where you can influence them.

As Rick Warren says in The Purpose Driven Life…

Our strengths create competition, but our weaknesses create community. At some point in your life you must decide whether you want to impress people or influence people… You must get close to influence them, and when you do that, they will be able to see your flaws.

Are you ready to open yourself up, reveal your struggles and weaknesses, in order that you can begin to influence the hearts of others for the Kingdom of Christ?

* Your favorite quote from yesterday’s post was #7.

Filed Under: anger, Building Your Ministry, leadership, marriage, ministry, my walk, real life, writing October 13, 2011 By Tyler Rowan 6 Comments

Preparing our Kids for the Reality of Marriage

Today, for Wifey Wednesday, I’ve got a guest post up at Sheila Wray Gregoire’s place: Communication is NOT Key.

As I reread that post this morning, I was reminded of how much hard work is involved in keeping a marriage healthy…

When I was a teenager, I remember getting in an argument with a boy I was dating. At the time, it seemed quite devastating that we were arguing. I was crushed over our first fight. A friend advised me, “If you have to work so hard to be happy with him, it isn’t meant to be. True love is natural and easy.”

During those teen years, my favorite reading materials were romance novels. Stories where hatred turned to love, and love was so overpowering and passionate that it was impossible to resist. Love wasn’t as easy in these novels as what my friend said, but it always swept you away. Love always won.

The thinking of my parent’s and grandparent’s generation was that children should be shielded from marital disagreements. Secret arguments took place late at night and behind closed doors. The same was true for any form of physical affection.

With all those conflicting and equally inaccurate views of love and marriage, it’s no wonder I was an unhappy young wife! And it’s no surprise that marriages are dissolving at a break-neck rate.

We are part of a generation of marriages that are falling apart at the seams.

So what can we do to stop the divorce epidemic for our children and their spouses?

I think, perhaps, it’s time we eliminate the mystery and allow our children to observe and experience the realities of marriage just a little bit more. Here are some things we do to help prepare our kids to build marriages that last…

1. We let them see us argue.

While we don’t necessarily involve our kids in the content of the argument, we do let them see that we’re frustrated or disagreeing about something. We don’t try to hide it and pretend life is all roses all the time.

2. We let them see us work things out.

Again, while we are careful not to burden the children with details that are too much for them to handle, we don’t pretend in front of them. Our kids are familiar with the request, “Please give us some space so that Mommy and Daddy can finish our discussion and work this out.”

3. We let them see us make up.

If we have disagreed in front of them, or even if we haven’t, we make apologies and offer forgiveness to one another while they’re watching. We don’t gather everyone in a circle or anything, but we also don’t generally leave the room and make up in secret. We also let them see us smooching, and giggle at their exclamations of, “Ewwwww! Gross!”

It’s no secret to our kids that marriage is hard work. They have no illusions that it’s always beautiful and perfect. They see struggles and sacrifices, and sometimes disappointments. But they also see offerings of love, fun, a bit of sarcastic banter and teasing, kissing and hugging…

And I pray that, when it comes time for my kids to walk the aisle and they proclaim ”for better or for worse,” they fully understand that there will be moments of worse. But they will be equipped to handle those moments with grace and strength, doing the hard work to build marriages that last “until death do them part.”

What do you think? Do you let your kids see you argue (and make up)?

Filed Under: guest post, marriage, parenting, real life, wifey wednesday September 28, 2011 By Tyler Rowan 3 Comments

Can My Husand Really Be Mr. Mom?

Today is the last in a series of great posts written by eight fantastic and inspiring women. A bittersweet moment – the conclusion of my two week vacation and my return to the online vortex of blogging. How I’ve missed you! I do hope you’ve been blessed by what these super cool ladies had to share, and I trust that you’ve been encourging them with some comment love. {wink} See ya tomorrow!

I tend to consider myself not much of an organized person. However, when I need to pull out the stops on organizing I can carry my own. So as this week approached I had some heavy organizing to do.

I had a business trip to make and three children to find a place for if my husband would not be able to get off work for the days I would need to be gone.

I registered Aaron, my 12 yr old and Joel my 9 yr old for Circle Square Ranch which was to start Sunday, the day after I was to leave for my trip. My 3 yr old Gabriel was excited to find out that he was to be spending his first sleepover at Grandma and Grandpas. My husband Evan could take care of the pets and hold down the fort.

This left me packing 4 different suitcases going in 4 different locations. Now I am not sure if you have ever had to do this, but it gets quite complicated. For example, does your family share toothpaste? Mine does! So we needed more tubes!!

I masterminded a plan and everything looked to be in place. Now all it needed was to go off without a hitch. Problem? I was leaving BEFORE the plan was to be in motion. This meant my husband had to step into my shoes and fulfill the script I had written. I wrote notes and talked…a lot even though I knew half the time I probably sounded like Charlie Browns teacher! I stressed a bit as I just wanted everything to go well. I was counting on my family to make mommy being gone as painless as possible. I am not sure how many times I said ‘and this note is for…”

As I tried to cover every base I could think of to make sure my husband would be as close to what I would do as possible, something hit me.

Jesus wants us to be just like Him. He wants us to do what He would do. God gave us His word to make sure that we could do just that. He reminds us we need to read it. He nudges us we have not looked at His “notes” for awhile. When Jesus left He told us He was going home to prepare a place for us, but He sent us a helper to make sure we can put His plan in motion. He went before us and it is up to us to do the work He asks us to do. We just need to keep referring to Gods Word, the “notes” He left for us.

That left me with two huge lessons. Number One, Jesus wants me to keep studying His Word and to be more like Him, and Number two, I can worry and stress all I want about leaving my family, but it is not going to make it go any smoother. I cannot do anything about it once I am 4000 Kilometers away so I might as well just pray about it and ask for peace as HE takes care of my precious kids and husband!

John 14:23-27 is an excellent reminder of this, but my favorite part is verse 27.

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.”

Jesus trusted me to do what He asked me to do. I think I am going to have to trust my Hubby to pull off a Mr. Mom (even though I sometimes believe I am irreplaceable!).

Have a glorious blessed Day!

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April Klippenstein is married to her husband Evan and and is a mother of three amazing boys ages 12, 9 and 3. She homeschools her children and manages to balance a career with Mary Kay Cosmetics as a Independent Sales Director and Beauty Consultant. She is also a writer and speaker when she can fit it in.

April resides in Eckville, Alberta and dreams of one day being able to complete her first novel, even if she has to wait until the children fly the coop!!

Filed Under: guest post, marriage, motherhood, real life August 22, 2011 By Tyler Rowan Leave a Comment

Expectations in Marriage

Stay tuned for more great posts written by six fantastic and inspiring women. Two weeks of vacation for me means two weeks of fresh content for you. Enjoy! (And don’t forget to comment and let these ladies know that what they write matters.) See ya soon.

A few weeks ago at church Andy and I heard a sermon that both really spoke to us. It was so interesting, and I honestly feel like its changed my vision of our marriage!

When Andy and I first got married it was definitely a challenge adapting to being married, and living with someone. I was 19 years old, and had never lived anywhere but at home. So all of a sudden I was thrown (which I welcomed) into this job of being a wife. The small things and huge differences that at first intrigued me when we were dating, now at times drive me nuts because we’re so different. Like night and day.

The first year of marriage was tough; I had to get used to living with someone else, how the other person does dishes, what type of milk to buy, what type of laundry detergent to buy, etc. The reason it was a hard adjustment is because we both came from different families, had different people raising us, and had different things modeled for us.

My aunt gave me a piece of advice before we got married. She said, “Karla, if you ask Andy to do the dishes after supper, and he doesn’t do them as soon as you stand up from the dinner table, make sure you remember that he does things differently. You asked him to do the supper dishes. As long as they are done when you wake up in the morning that is whats important.” My skin actually crawls when I think about having a messy, kitchen after supper for the whole night, but my aunt is right.

How Andy does things is way different than how I may do them. As long as he does eventually do what I ask him to do, and those dishes (or laundry, or vacuuming, or phone calls, or yard work, etc) are done within a timely manner, it doesn’t mean he has to do them RIGHT NOW.

There was a statement in the sermon that I mentioned about that got my attention, and I think Andy’s too: The person who I fell in love with was different than some of the expectations that I had formed about marriage while I was growing up. Its not until we got into real life that those expectations were exposed.

That honestly couldn’t be more bang on. I have this idea in my head of how my marriage needs to be, and look. I had my parents model (and still modeling) their marriage for me all through growing up, and in my mind the roles that each of them played are the expectations that I have for my marriage.

The person who I fell in love with was different than some of the expectations that I had formed about marriage while I was growing up. Its not until we got into real life that those expectations were exposed.

I am not my mom (although we’re very much alike) and Andy is not my dad (although they’re very much alike), and we do not have the same marriage as our parents.

We’ve been married going on 5 years now, and I think that I’ve learned (but not quite mastered) that if I drop all expectations (and I admit, I do have some pretty high expectations for my dear husband at times) that our marriage and friendship will flow a lot better. As soon as I stop expecting that Andy does everything the way I would do it — whether that is changing a diaper, cleaning the bathroom, yard work, or cooking supper — and just let him be himself, we’ll learn to get along a little better and fall even deeper in love.

Like I said, its something I’m still working on.

If you’d like to listen to the sermon, visit this link.
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Karla is a young stay at home mom to her very 2 year old son Eli, and wife to her dear husband Andy. She grew up in a Christian home, and has a passion for worship and people. She also enjoys dance and painting abstract art in her spare time…when she’s not doing dishes or folding laundry. Karla blogs at The Hope Family.

Filed Under: guest post, marriage, real life August 10, 2011 By Tyler Rowan 2 Comments

Just a Mom, Q & A – installment 2

I received a question for the Just a Mom series via my Facebook page…

I agree with the things in this series……a lot of it has echoed what God has been teaching me.

Once you embrace being more than just a mom, how do you make sure you don’t cross over into becoming neglectful of your family? I know moms who are so busy doing good things they love, but their family, no their husbands, suffer. He’s the one who ends up being just a dad who works.

Wow, what a great question! To be honest, I’m not sure I’m the best person to answer this question. Remember, I’m an over-committer. But I’ll give it a shot.

As a chronic over-committer, I’ve come to learn a few things about taking on too much. Generally, I can detect the warning signs and slow down before it hits crisis point. Sometimes…not.

Warning Signs:

1. You’re a “yes” woman.

Does it pain you to tell someone, “No, I’m sorry. I can’t help out with that.”??? If you were to measure your response ratio, do the “yes”es outweigh the “no”s? Do you find yourself constantly worrying about letting someone down?

2. You’re frozen.

You know that feeling when you have so much to do that you just don’t know where to start? So you do nothing (except maybe mindlessly surf Facebook)? Yeah, that usually means you’ve got too much on your plate.

3. You’re crabby.

Sometimes crabby just means overtired or PMS. But sometimes it can mean too busy. If crabby happens and you catch yourself saying, “I’m never going to get all this done!” it’s the second reason.

4. You’re told.

Has someone from your inner circle recently told you that you’re too busy? Has someone you loved complained that you’re too busy? Has your husband been inexplicably grumpy with you, especially when you’re leaving the house?

An Ounce of Prevention:

A. Learn to be a “no” woman.

Your default response should be “no.” Or at the very least, “Let me take some time to think and pray about it.”

Remember that you are not responsible for meeting everyone’s needs – you are responsible for meeting your family’s needs and for obeying God. And if you agree to do everything, you may actually be stealing someone else’s blessing. That’s right, because by taking on things you’re not called to you are essentially stepping into a calling that belongs to someone else. Stealing from them the blessing of serving.

B. Submit to your husband.

Ouch! That one pinches a bit, doesn’t it? God gave your husband the overwhelming responsibility of leading your family. God asked you to be his helper. If your man needs more help, asks for more help, or shows signs that he’s feeling overloaded – that’s your #1 calling.

I try not to agree to taking on new things without talking to Pat first. (If I’m honest, sometimes I say yes and ask later. But when I do so, I try to start out with an apology for not talking to him first.) If your husband is a part of the decision-making, he’s more likely to feel supportive of the things you’re taking on.

C. Be in tune with the Spirit.

This is the ultimate way of assuring that you don’t take on too much. Being in tune with the Spirit works two ways.

First, the Holy Spirit guides our paths (Proverbs 3:6) and tells us whether to turn to the right or the left (Isaiah 30:21). That way, we sense Him leading us toward a “yes” for certain things.

Second, the Holy Spirit gives us strength (Philippians 4:13), so that when it might seem we have a lot going on – as long as they are things ordained by Him - He can keep us moving forward.

A Pound of Cure:

Though you didn’t ask this question, I’m sure you were thinking it (I know I would be)…

What should I do or say if I see a friend who has become too busy and is neglecting her family?

I. Pray.

I know it “feels” like doing nothing, but prayer is the absolute most important thing you can ever do for anyone.

II. Speak the truth in love.

If the right opportunity arises, and if your friendship is such that you can do so without causing permanent damage, and if you have a definite sense that God is nudging you to do so – speak the truth in love.

Love, grace, and understanding must permeate the whole conversation, or your words will fall on deaf ears and a hard heart.

III. Help.

Sure, her busy-ness is of her own making, as are the consequences. But true friends don’t judge the motives of others to determine whether or not we should help. True friends help regardless of the motives, decisions, and consequences.

IV. Know when to step away.

True friends try and try beyond the point of exhaustion. But wise women also know when it’s time to step back, remove yourself from a situation (or even a relationship), and leave things in God’s hands.

You are not responsible for saving her family. You are only responsible to do the things God has called you to do for her and her family. Sometimes, we need to get out of God’s way. Sometimes, He isn’t able to do the work He needs to in a person’s heart until they are alone with only Him for help.

Are you at risk of being “too busy?” Or do you see it in someone you love?

Filed Under: family, Just a Mom, marriage, ministry, motherhood, Q/A, real life August 3, 2011 By Tyler Rowan 4 Comments

It’s been twelve whole years, baby!

In honor of our twelfth wedding anniversary (yesterday), the top ~~twelve~~ thirteen things I admire about my husband.

13. He is so much fun to hang out with. Never a dull moment! (Just this weekend we went tubing behind a boat like we were kids. A few weeks ago we discovered geocaching. We’ve started camping - for fun. Need I say more?!)

12. His smart-alec sense of humor keeps a smile on my face.

11. He makes his daughters feel beautiful AND smart.

10. He builds up his sons’ confidence. He not only teaches them new things and spends guy time with them, but he’s quick to let them know he’s proud of who they are.

9. He is a gifted encourager, always able to convince people to “keep on keeping on.”

8. He is extravagantly generous with his time, his money, and his possessions. If you need help, he’s the guy to call.

7. He looks for ways to show love to me, such as buying me a lounge chair for our camping weekend. (It’s not his fault the lounge chair didn’t end up being all that comfortable, lol.)

6. He watched a chick flick with me last night and didn’t make a single smart-alec comment.

5. He vacuums the house nearly every week because he knows it’s my least favorite job.

4. He agreed to try Weight Watchers with me, even though the meetings are nerdy.

3. He’s handy around the house and can fix up most everything that breaks down.

2. He loves God and is always looking for ways to grow spiritually.

1. He is the hardest working, most passionate, unselfish guy I know. If he’s going to commit to something, he goes all the way with it. (Which is why he’s so deserving of the promotion he got on Friday!

And, here are a few camping photos. Just because. (Apparently I did not pull out my camera or my phone while at the actual campsite. So here are some photos from the beach.)

Click to enlarge. If you are receiving this post via email, you may need to visit my blog in order to see all the photos.

Filed Under: camping, family fun, marriage, real life July 4, 2011 By Tyler Rowan 1 Comment

Wrestling with God for my Broken Marriage

When folks ask about my marriage, I usually tell them, “I’ve been married nearly twelve years, the last five or so happily.”

Lest you think it’s all rainbows and puppy dogs around here – happily does not mean blissfully. We’ve still got our issues. But those first five years…the only word that truly captures their essence is miserable. (Now, you’re thinking that five plus five only equals ten; those two years in-between are what I fondly refer to as the wrestling years.)

Here’s a little background for you:

I accepted Christ as a little girl, and renewed my commitment to Him each summer at Bible camp, but I lived through the school year no different than my unbelieving classmates and friends.

Living my life as I did, it’s not really a surprise that I found myself pregnant at nineteen. Unlike many teen moms, I was lucky to be dating a guy that planned to stick by my side. As most of you parents probably know, there’s nothing like having a child to bring someone back to their faith.

Enter five years of misery…

My husband tried to be supportive of my faith. He didn’t complain about me taking our son to church. In fact, I think he appreciated the silent morning of sleeping in each week. We had a church wedding. He agreed to it because it was important to me. My faith was okay, as long as it didn’t affect him.

Honestly, I think that he tried to be a good husband to me. I know he wanted to please me and make me happy. But I couldn’t be pleased. Instead, I picked and prodded, begged and cajoled, fighting for him to join us at church on Sunday mornings. And as I grew in my walk with the Lord and was convicted of my sin, I decided to act as the Holy Spirit in my husband’s life, convicting him of all his sinful ways.

They say that women go into marriage thinking of all the ways they can change their men, and men go into marriage hoping that their wives never change at all.

The change in me was probably a frightening sight to observe. I shifted from liberal thinking to deeply black-and-white conservative. I jumped from wild and free living to rigid, rule-driven, legalistic, and judgemental. And all this with a husband who was raised to believe that Christians are all brainwashed, and their goal in life is to brainwash others.

The turning point for me was the day my husband packed his bags. He had overheard me praying on the phone with a friend. The praying was, let’s say, a little bit charismatic. He was freaked out! Who can blame him?

I had an epiphany in that moment. I knew, without a doubt, that there was no way I could change my husband. There was no way I could make him happy. There was no way he could bring me satisfaction. I could not change him or fix him or save him. I could not save my marriage.

All of those things were under God’s area of responsibility. The only tasks placed under my care were: love my husband and obey God.

In an instant, I was released from my misery. My husband was released from my tyranny. I stopped wrestling within my marriage and began wrestling with God.

I would grab on tight and cry out, Lord, save my marriage!

He assured me, Trust me, your marriage is in My hands.

I dug in hard and prayed, God, reveal Yourself to my husband!

He soothed me, I will, I am, through you and your obedience.

When I felt pinned, I would ask God, Why don’t you change him?

He replied, Why don’t you let Me change you?

When I felt like I was being attacked by a tag-team I would wail, But God, it’s not fair! I deserve to be treated better. I deserve to be happy!

He answered, Find your happiness in Me.

I would be mad and storm around the house, thinking to myself how I was NOT going to do his laundry. And God would tell me to serve my husband.

I would be hurt and determined that I had to speak my mind. And God would tell me to shut my mouth. (I cannot count the number of times God had to tell me to shut up!)

I would be lonely and depressed, entertaining fantasies of divorce or death, and then doing things the right way with a Christian husband. And God would tell me that the right way was to honor the husband I was given.

I wrestled and struggled, crying out, I will not let go until You bless me!

My husband began to attend church with us occasionally. Then more regularly. He agreed to attend a church-led marriage retreat. He agreed to join a home group through the church.

He was baptized on February 29^th, 2004. He went on short-term missions trips to

Haiti

in the falls of 2009 and 2010. He has served in our church with the youth, the children, and the men.

My husband is the Christian husband I prayed for. He is a man of prayer. He is man of integrity. He is a man of faith. He is the spiritual leader in our home.

In a little over two weeks, I will be celebrating my twelfth anniversary. Twelve years married, the last five or so happily. Every single moment held in the hands of a loving Father.

* This post was originally published as a guest post for Angela Mackey’s Wrestling with God series on Rethinking My Thinking.

This post has been linked up to Sheila Wray Gregoire’s Wifey Wednesday series on To Love, Honor, and Vacuum.

Filed Under: marriage, my walk, real life, writing June 17, 2011 By Tyler Rowan 5 Comments