Anger | E. Tyler Rowan

This Time Last Year

Pat was in Haiti for the 2nd time. (And I can’t believe we’re now in the midst of preparations to go together!)

I had the amazing opportunity to speak at a large conference, and then live out what I taught about at home. (Based on the boots incident of 2010, it sounds like there was already snow on the ground in October of last year. Thank you Lord for holding off until after trick-or-treating this year!)

And I was in the midst of a season (and blog series) of feasting on the Word of God daily.

What were you doing this time last year?

Filed Under: anger, blogging, Haiti, just because, real life, speaking October 27, 2011 By Tyler Rowan 1 Comment

Impress or Influence?

courtesy of squidoo.com

Several years ago, I felt God’s call on my heart. He was drawing me to ministry to women. To be honest, no one was more surprised than I at His calling.

I’ve never really worked well with women. Women – myself included – are prone to taking things personally, to monthly fits of moody irrationality, to backbiting and gossip. (Sure, there are exceptions to the rule. But coming from someone who has worked solely with women for pretty much her entire adult life, I still stand behind the truth that women can be very difficult to work with!)

But God, He tends to do things like that. He calls us to step into the uncomfortable. Not to make us suffer, but to increase our ability to serve Him with joy. More often than not, when we obey, we discover a surprising joy in doing what we once thought “not our thing.” Which is why I now love doing ministry for and with women.

When I began leading that ministry team, I was afraid. I had this continual sinking feeling that everyone would find out the truth about me and tell me I wasn’t fit to be doing God’s work. I dreaded the moment that they all discovered my fraudulent ways.

So in order to protect myself from that shame and pain, I stood aloof. I didn’t let anyone in too close. I couldn’t have anyone finding out that my marriage struggled on and off, depending on the day. I could not risk everyone discovering the anger I struggled with behind closed doors when dealing with my children. They would surely fire me from my volunteer position!

A funny thing happens when you don’t let anyone get close – no one lets you into their lives, either.

I was a leader, with no heart connection to my team. I had no friendships, no one I could turn to and unload. I remained distant, and one by one, team members began to distance themselves.

It was during our team-building summer Bible study that God turned my life around. You see, we were sharing prayer requests, and I felt that Holy Spirit shiver. You know the feeling – your heart pounds so loud that you can barely hear, your hands tremble, you’re covered in goose-bumps, your throat is dry, and you just know that you must speak up.

And so I asked for prayer. Through tears and snot, I hiccupped the confession that I was an angry mom. I yelled. I swore. I felt resentment in my heart. I felt out of control.

The burning feeling that I needed to share ebbed, and stone, cold fear took its place. What had I just done? Surely I sealed my fate. My gig was up. But it wasn’t…

That day is when I truly began to minister to women. You see, real ministry begins in a heart that is willing to be transformed. Those things we keep hidden in the dark will only be turned around when we allow them to come into the Light. When you let the Light of the world shine on your weaknesses, you move from a place of merely trying to impress others into a place where you can influence them.

As Rick Warren says in The Purpose Driven Life…

Our strengths create competition, but our weaknesses create community. At some point in your life you must decide whether you want to impress people or influence people… You must get close to influence them, and when you do that, they will be able to see your flaws.

Are you ready to open yourself up, reveal your struggles and weaknesses, in order that you can begin to influence the hearts of others for the Kingdom of Christ?

* Your favorite quote from yesterday’s post was #7.

Filed Under: anger, Building Your Ministry, leadership, marriage, ministry, my walk, real life, writing October 13, 2011 By Tyler Rowan 6 Comments

Small Changes can make Big Differences

Ever get just plain overwhelmed with all that life throws your way?

For me, a lot of times, I’m sure this is self-inflicted. I over-commit. I procrastinate. I make poor choices (eating bad foods, staying up too late, etc.) that affect my ability to function effectively.

On those days when I feel the weight of my responsibilities crushing me, I temporarily turn into a crazy lady. Look out everybody, Mama’s on a rampage!

The good side of the self-inflicted overwhelmedness (yeah, I made that up) is that there is an end in sight. I know when my duties are done, I can rest. Or I can delegate some duties. I can even quit one area of responsibility. Plus, I have a great support system.

But what about when you don’t have support? What if you’re in it alone, indefinitely? That’s not self-inflicted, and it doesn’t have an end in sight. You might be afraid that you are going to permanently be that crazy lady…

Might I suggest a few small changes that will help you tame the crazy lady within?

(Just a little fyi, here, while I can’t profess to have ever been in the position of “in it alone, indefinitely,” I have spend enough years “in it alone, randomly and without time frames” to make me believe I could be that permanent crazy lady. So that’s the place where my advice is coming from. Mkay?)

Small Change #1 – Don’t be a Petri.

Have you ever watched The Land Before Time? There’s this one dinosaur, Petri, who is always whining and complaining. He’s got Poor Petri Syndrome. PPS is the number one contributing factor CLS (Crazy Lady Syndrome).

This small change is probably the most difficult. It’s so easy to get into the “poor me” way of thinking. I know, because I do it all. the. time. Try replacing martyr thoughts with other thoughts…

I’m so alone.
I may feel alone right now, but that is a prompt for me to stop and ask God for His help.

This is so hard!
Nothing I do of importance will be easy. This is important, so I need to work hard.

How much can one person do?
I can do all things through Him who gives me strength.

This isn’t fair!
I don’t get it, but God has a plan here. His plan involves my growth. This is an opportunity for me to grow.

I will never be able to change.
I am not responsible for changing. I am responsible for obeying God. Through my obedience, change will come.

Small Change #2 – Commit to getting enough sleep.

I don’t know about you, but when I feel lonely and isolated I tend to stay up too late. I spend my time seeking connection online (No, not chat rooms, but on Facebook and reading blogs.). I watch TV until I’m numb and falling asleep on the couch. I lose myself in a book until it tumbles from my sleep-weighted hands.

This change is going to be the easiest to make, with the biggest impact. Plan a set bedtime and a set wake-up time for yourself and just follow through on the plan. Give it two weeks for your body to fall into the rhythm. And take note of how, suddenly, you feel a little bit less crazy during the daily witching hour (this is how I refer to those dreaded few hours between after school and bedtime, when children tend to act possessed).

Small Change #3 – Speak good.

As a former (sometimes current) crazy lady, I will confess to spending much too much energy speaking bad. Words of reprimand and criticism come easily. My tone of voice reeks of anger, frustration, irritation, and impatience. My thoughts are dominated by those same emotions. Anyone else?

Make an intentional effort to speak good over your family. It can be as simple as, “Hey, I love you kid.” or “Thanks for taking out the garbage. Your help around here makes a difference.”

Start small by speaking good to each person in your home – intentionally – once or twice per day. (I’m not saying limit it to that. What I’m saying is that you are doing it with the mindset that I need to speak good here and now.) I try to do this, on purpose, in the morning and during the dreaded witching hour.

It’s funny how just acting the right way can begin to change the attitude.

Small Change #4 – Don’t Negotiate with Terrorists.

Kids have this insane radar system that tells them when Mom is tired and stressed. They hone in on it, taking aim, then BOOM! And a pattern develops.

Kid asks. Mom says no. Kid negotiates. Mom says no, a hint of irritation in her voice. Kid whines. Mom says no, a scowl on her face. Kid argues. Mom yells no at the top of her lungs, followed by a shrieking lecture and over-the-top discipline.

Mom feels guilty. Next time kid asks, Mom starts out with no. After more asking, Mom gets worn down and doesn’t have the energy to argue or discipline, so she caves.

Repeat.

Repeat this mantra to yourself and your kids, “My no means no.” After you say it to your kids, turn and walk away. the conversation/discussion/debate is done. Unfortunately, when you first implement your new policy of not negotiating with terrorists, they will follow you around and hound you. You must be prepared for this inevitability. Say once, “This conversation is over,” then do not respond any more. At all. Not once.

So I suggest embarking on this policy at a time when you feel well rested, strong, and momentarily in control of your CLS. And then commit to staying strong for the couple weeks it will take for the crew to accept the new policy. I promise you, your life will be forever impacted after you successfully make this small change!

If you feel overwhelmed, if you are in it alone, and if you feel like a permanent crazy lady, choose one small step today. Just one. Stick with it until it’s mastered, until it’s part of your daily routine. Then choose another small step. Over time, CLS will become less pervasive in your home. You will notice that the crazy lady is taming. Chances are, as she mellows, the crazy urchins will follow suit.

Small changes. Big differences. I promise.

Filed Under: anger, Mommy Why Are You Angry?, parenting, real life, writing May 26, 2011 By Tyler Rowan 5 Comments

Mommy Anger

Some great mommy anger posts I’ve run into lately…

Angry Moms Anonymous

Homeschool Mom’s Dirty Little Secret #3 – Anger

And you’re always welcome to check out my posts on Mommy, Why Are You Angry?

Filed Under: anger, Mommy Why Are You Angry? April 1, 2011 By Tyler Rowan Leave a Comment

I’m Just a Yeller

My kids are home from school while their teachers send a couple days on professional development. I come into these extra long weekends and holiday weeks with a mix of anticipation and trepidation. The thought of tossing routine to the wind brings a smile to my face. I mean, I love routine, but every now and then it’s nice to just “hang” without a list of tasks to attend to before bedtime. The potential result of breaking routine with five kids, though, is a day (or four) filled with bickering and boredom.

On this four-day weekend, I have a plan to keep the latter at bay. The plan requires a mom who actually participates in activities with the kids, who enacts swift discipline when things even look like they’ll head sideways, and who is not hiding out in the office “working” all day. (“Working” is a general term I use for pretty much any time I’m on the computer, lol.)

That said, I do hope you enjoy this re-post from the archives…
—————————-

Here’s a question I’ve heard more than once: When and how did you discover that you were angry, and not just doing what Moms have to do – yell at our kids to get them to do anything?

Can I be to-the-gut point-blank honest here? For me as much as for you? Thanks…

The fact of the matter is, we moms do NOT have to yell at our kids to get them to listen to us. While certain circumstances will require a raised voice (safety concerns, a massive brawl of 14 children that needs to be stopped, a generally loud situation), if it seems as though every circumstance is one of those, we need to take that as our first clue that something is amiss. A raised voice should be the exception, not the rule. If we are yelling regularly, we have a problem.

If you were a fly on my wall, you would likely listen in on the odd conversation between Pat and I where one of us is asking, “Why do we have to yell at the kids to get them to listen and obey?” It’s one that we revisit more regularly than I’d like. Really, though, we both know the answer… If we need to yell at our kids to make them listen and obey, it is because we have taught them that they don’t have to listen or obey until/unless we are yelling.

I assure you, I am the last person who will ever pass judgement on another mother! I know how hopeless it feels, how impossible it looks. I am the queen of yelling and swearing, and I often catch myself thinking, “I am never going to be able to NOT yell!” So as you read my gut-honest words, do not feel condemned. Everyone has their issues…anger happens to be ours.

If you think you may have anger issues but are not totally sure, here are seven questions you can ask yourself:

1. Have I ever told myself or someone else, “I’m a yeller. That’s just who I am.”?

2. Have I ever had the urge to hurl an object across the room in frustration?

3. Whether or not I speak them, do I think curse words in my head when I’m frustrated?

4. If my child(ren) does thinks like slamming doors and shouting, “I hate you!” am I tempted to respond with those same words and reactions?

5. Do I frequently find myself feeling annoyed with my children’s constant interruptions and requests?

6. Do I sometimes react in ways that are disproportionate to the situation? (For example, feeling truly angry about a spilled cup of juice.)

7. Am I a different mother behind closed doors than I am out in public?

There’s no magic formula, no points system, but if you found yourself answering “yes” to a few of those questions, it’s probably time to get alone with God and ask Him if you have a problem with mommy anger.

And you know that hopeless, impossible thing? For the record, that’s a lie. It’s a big, fat, ugly lie that Satan wants us to believe so that we don’t even try to overcome this struggle. Victory is possible. I believe it with everything in me. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t be out here on the World Wide Web (and hopefully, eventually in book format) publishing all my shortcomings for the world to see. The only way it’s hopeless and impossible is if we try to do it on our own.

For nothing is impossible with God.
~ Luke 1:37 (NLT)

Seven Steps to Stop Anger in its Tracks

How to Help an Angry Mom

What to do When You Mess up

Why I’m Writing About my Anger

And if you happen to be a publisher, editor, agent, or friend of someone who is (*wink), check out the book proposal…

Filed Under: anger, Mommy Why Are You Angry?, motherhood, real life February 10, 2011 By Tyler Rowan 2 Comments

I’m Just a Yeller…

An anonymous friend posed a really great question last week that I’ve decided to tackle this morning. I don’t really want to talk about anger today because, well, I’ve been feeling pretty pi#%ed off with my kids all week. Which means, as much as I don’t feel like talking about it, I probably should.

Our friend asked, When and how did you discover that you were angry, and not just doing what Moms have to do – yell at our kids to get them to do anything?

Can I be to-the-gut point-blank honest here? For me as much as for you? Thanks…

If you think you may have anger issues but are not totally sure, here are seven questions you can ask yourself:
1. Have I ever told myself or someone else, “I’m a yeller. That’s just who I am.”?
2. Have I ever had the urge to hurl an object across the room in frustration?
3. Whether or not I speak them, do I think curse words in my head when I’m frustrated?
4. If my child(ren) does thinks like slamming doors and shouting, “I hate you!” am I tempted to respond with those same words and reactions?
5. Do I frequently find myself feeling annoyed with my children’s constant interruptions and requests?
6. Do I sometimes react in ways that are disproportionate to the situation? (For example, feeling truly angry about a spilled cup of juice.)
7. Am I a different mother behind closed doors than I am out in public?

And you know that hopeless, impossible thing? For the record, that’s a lie. It’s a big, fat, ugly lie that Satan wants us to believe so that we don’t even try to overcome this struggle. Victory is possible. I believe it with everything in me. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t be out here on the World Wide Web (and hopefully, eventually in book format) publishing all my shortcomings for the world to see. The only way it’s hopeless and impossible is if we try to do it on our own.

For nothing is impossible with God.
~Luke 1:37 (NLT)

Because I hate to leave you hanging here with a bunch of unanswered questions, here are some posts that I hope will help…

Seven Steps to Stop Anger in its Tracks – help for the heat of the moment

How to Help an Angry Mom, parts three and four – help for the parent who doesn’t know what to do instead of yelling

What to do When You Mess Up – help for those times when we “fall off the wagon”

Why I’m Writing About my Anger – to answer your other question, Why do you want to write a book? (specifically this book)

Filed Under: anger, Mommy Why Are You Angry?, Q/A, real life November 25, 2010 By Tyler Rowan 3 Comments

A Morning of Character-Building

I sometimes wonder why God saw fit to bless me with five children. Children who I feel utterly unequipped to raise, teach, train, and even love.

It’s silly, but at moments like this, I wonder what Beth Moore would have done. Were her girls kind and gentle, always obedient and loving to one another? Maybe. I’m sure there are a few kids out there like that. But if they weren’t, if they had sibling rivalry moments – where one child destroys another’s artwork, and child two retaliates by kicking in the gut, and when reprimanded the first child is unrepentant and disrespectful to the mother (hypothetically, of course) – how did Beth deal with it?

My discipline strategy this morning was to send child one to the bedroom for half an hour of reflection, to be followed by a letter of apology. Once disrespected, the consequence was doubled to an hour in the room. Child two was sent for a time out and will also be writing a letter of apology.*

Here’s the thing… I didn’t lose it. No foul words escaped my lips, nothing I will later regret was spoken. While my voice was raised to be heard over the yelling of the disrespectful child, I would not consider what I did to be yelling. Essentially, dealing with this blowout was a victory for me. Yet, I feel far from victorious. Rather, I feel weary. Confused. At a loss.

There are mothers out there who are so good at this. They see it as a challenge and an adventure. Wouldn’t one of those mothers be better? Better at this job? Better for these kids?

I know that these feelings and questions are unwarranted. I’m pretty sure that, no matter how Godly she is, Beth Moore probably felt some of these same things. In fact, if I weren’t so darn sure that about 99% of mothers struggle to some degree, I wouldn’t even dare to write about my own struggles. When I wonder if God made a mistake by entrusting me with the physical, spiritual, and emotional upbringing of five people, I know that I am believing lies whispered by the enemy.

As I push back against the liar, I make room for truth.

I cannot do this job in my own strength. That’s why I so desperately need Jesus. With Him, in His strength, I can be a good mother for these children.

God doesn’t make mistakes. Each one of those children was soul-matched with me, by the Creator of the Universe, for His good purposes.

Walking where God has called us isn’t usually easy to do. Typically, it involves hard work and a high level of dependence on Him to help us.

Sometimes, parenting is less about raising our kids than it is about building our character.

I’m not sure why I wrote this today. I often need to write out life’s experiences in order to process them and let them settle in my soul. But I’m also pretty sure I wrote it for you – one of you, two of you, more? Please don’t worry about filling the comments with words of encouragement for me (I’m okay ). But if you needed to hear about my morning, and if the truths God reminded me of are truths you needed to hear, please let me know (either in the comments or by email). Because I want to spend my day praying for you. And hey, feel free to do the same for me! A week off school is enough to undo even the most energetic of mothers.

* In the process of writing this post (which, incidentally, took nearly two hours!) I also asked each child to find a Bible verse that applied to the situation. That verse was not only to be written in the card, but also on an index card for memory work. Child 1 needed a bit of guidance (I pointed to a page and said, “Try reading in here.”).

Child #1′s verse: Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not want what belongs to others. It does not brag. It is not proud. It is not rude. It does not look out for its own interests. It does not easily become angry. It does not keep track of other people’s wrongs. ~1 Corinthians 13:4-5

Child #2′s verse: Jonathan and David became close friends. Jonathan loved David just as he love himself. ~1 Samuel 18:1

P.S. Now that it’s all said and done, I am actually feeling a little victorious.

Filed Under: anger, His Word, motherhood, parenting, real life November 12, 2010 By Tyler Rowan 4 Comments

How we made it through alive

Since my session on Mommy, why are you Angry? on Saturday, I have had countless opportunities to practice what I preached. As you probably noticed based on yesterday’s post.

I believe that, as soon as we step out and try to teach spiritual truths to others, the enemy has a game plan. He thinks, “Sure, she says that she is free in Christ… But does she live like it? Let’s test her out. Mwahahahaha.” Okay, I’m not sure if he does that evil laugh, but I wouldn’t put it past him.

In these situations, I tend to see God as the third base coach. He’s standing right there, telling us what we need to do, encouraging and coaching, hoping and praying, cheering us on. I’m pretty sure His reply to the devil’s questions goes something like this, “You better believe she’s free! Go ahead, just try and tempt her. You’ll see. She may stumble, but she will not fall!”

I stumbled a bit first thing in the morning. The boots issue – that brought out my “outside voice.” The shelf, well that one had me hollering at everyone for a minute or two. Honestly, those are the kind of situations that would typically get my anger flaring. I hate, hate, hate running late and everything about yesterday morning screamed of “We’re all gonna be late!!!” I was tempted to skip out on my women’s group altogether, rather than show up late. But something inside me told me that keeping me starved for fellowship was another trick of the enemy, and I knew I needed me some girl time!

When I closed myself in the bathroom to tackle my hair and make-up in twenty minutes flat, and I began my frantic work, I felt a pause. I knew that I needed God to work quick in my heart if I wanted to turn the day around. I began praying, but my prayers felt like whining and complaining and I couldn’t bear to listen to myself. Instead, as I pulled my hair into a ponytail and covered up pimples, I began reciting Scripture. (Last year I memorized 24 verses, this year about 6, and I gave those 30 verses my best shot. I could only recall about half of them, and I was definitely not at 100% accuracy. But I spoke those slightly out-of-order Bible verses with my whole heart.)

No more than fifteen minutes later, my hair and make-up were done, my teeth were clean, I had a fresh layer of deodorant on, and I was dressed. The best part, though, is that I felt victorious. I didn’t feel stressed, frazzled, late, or angry anymore. In fact, the peace of God was so strong over me that when Kai refused to go into childcare and insisted sitting with me ALL morning, it didn’t even annoy me! (Seriously, if you know me, you know that this is a miracle! I am never one to turn down an hour of childcare!)

So if you were with me on Saturday, and you were wondering whether the stuff I was talking about really works, it does. Does speaking Scripture really hold the power to halt our anger? Absolutely! Remember “Thing 2?” Words are powerful. Especially the Word of God. It’s sharper than any double-edged sword. (Hebrews 4:12)

Yesterday is living proof.

Boo-rah!

(Yeah, okay, I’m sorry about that. I now realize that I cannot pull off some military guy victory chant. I won’t try that again. Promise. )

Filed Under: anger, my walk, real life, writing October 28, 2010 By Tyler Rowan 1 Comment

Thing Six: What to do when you mess up

This morning I am packing up to take my kiddos and dog home from a weekend of worship and fellowship. For many years I volunteered at the Freshwind conference, hauling chairs around and cleaning bathrooms (okay, honestly, I usually tried to delegate the bathrooms), but this year was special. At this year’s conference, I had the huge privilege of being one of the workshop speakers. Can I just say – my body and mind are just as exhausted as they have been every other year! (Honestly, though, I do know those volunteers had to deal with a lot more crap than I did! If you were there, you know what I mean )

Not only did I enjoy the hours of catching up with some old friends (you know who you are), but I had the opportunity to meet some new ones. I just want to send a quick shout out to them: Rhiannon, Kathy from New Sarepta, Heidi, Monika, Pam, Charlotte and friends from Calgary, and Pam and Wendy from “the Park,” and about 90 others whose names I didn’t learn. Hi girls! Thanks for spending your time with me Saturday afternoon.

If this is your first visit to my blog, here are a few things that will help you get involved. Got something to say? Excellent! I love comments! Just click on the phrase “__ shared their thoughts” at the bottom of this post and follow the prompts. Don’t know how to sign in? If you have a google account, sign in to it to leave your comment. If not, you can choose “Open ID” and just type your name in the box; you can click “Name/URL” and if you type in your own blog or website address I can come visit you; or you can choose “Anonymous” and either type your name at the end of your comment or remain anonymous. Want to come back and read all the time? It would make my day if you clicked to “follow it” and “find me on facebook” or decided to “receive posts by email!” (All of these options can be found in the sidebars to the right of this post.)

Okay, let’s get on with the good stuff!

In my session, Mommy, why are you Angry? I shared five things God has taught me in our journey to break free from my “addiction” to venting my anger and frustration on my kids. (I sure hope that, if you were in my session on Saturday, you’ve had a chance to review the handout and are thinking about your first steps. Are you going to start exploring your childrens’ love languages? Do a spiritual gifts inventory for yourself? Have you started writing out those verses and sticking them all over your world?) But there is an important sixth point that I still need to talk about – what should I do when I mess up?

Heaven knows that I have messed up more times than I can count on this journey! I don’t know about you, but I tend to be an “all or nothing” girl. When I am trying to lose weight (when am not?!), for example, I jump in with both feet – I count points, I exercise, and I am diligent. But then someone has a birthday and messes with my system. You see, I am powerless to resist a good, fat slice of cake. And once I let that one piece pass my lips, I begin to feel defeated. I lost the battle, so I may as well quit trying. And I fall face-first, mouth wide open off the wagon. This all or nothing mindset carries to most areas of my life, including yelling. I resolve to never yell again, and when I slip up and let a frustrated holler go I feel weak and discouraged, so I just give up. Then I’m just “a yeller” as opposed to being a mom who is trying to change but is a failure.

Is anyone relating to this?!

Here are three quick tips on dealing with the inevitable mess ups:

1. Celebrate every little success.

We can’t experience success if we look at life through the all or nothing lens. If our goal is perfection, we will constantly fall short. So stop resolving to be perfect! Start resolving to do better next time. Take it one frustrating experience at a time. And if next time you want to lose your cool but instead give yourself a time out – you have succeeded! Write it down! Celebrate! Pat yourself on the back! And don’t forget to praise the Lord!

2. Always ask forgiveness.

There will be next times when the yelling still sneaks out. The one thing we can never afford to do is ignore those mistakes. When we ignore sin and pretend it isn’t there, it grows. We need to allow God to bring our sin into His light, so He can remove it. When we confess our sins, He is faithful to forgive us – every single time (yes, even if it’s the 10,000th time). Remember, too, that God isn’t the only One we need to seek forgiveness from – so many angry words can be instantly healed by the simple act of telling our children that we’re sorry.

(See 1 John 1:9. Use a concordance to look up some verses containing the words “repent,” “forgive,” and “confess.”)

3. Pray about your anger every day.

Event today, when I am (finally) less “angry mommy” and more “mommy who sometimes messes up and gets angry,” I still ask God to help me with my anger every single day. I plan to continue to do so until the day I die. You see, when something begins to gain victory over us, we will (in most cases) always be particularly susceptible to that struggle. For example, I quit smoking nearly eight years ago. Obviously, I am no longer addicted. Yet put me in a certain situation, especially with other smokers, and my foolish mind begins to entertain thoughts of having “just one drag.” The enemy knows our areas of weakness, and he is relentless in his pursuit of our failure! The best guard we have against his tricks and temptations is daily prayer for protection and strength.

Basically, it all comes down to changing our thinking. (Sound familiar?) To continue the whole diet analogy, we have to stop thinking like we’re on a diet, and begin living like we’re making a lifestyle change. It’s not all or nothing, but one step at a time toward the goal. And while our daily weigh-ins may not all show the results we’re looking for, if we begin to track progress over time (remember #1 – write down those successes) we will see positive change!

One last thing I want to say to you. When you mess up, you are not a bad mom. Wait, I’m not sure you’re really hearing that. You are not a bad mom! When you mess up, you are a good mom who messed up. So say, “Oops,” and keep moving forward. Because you are a good mom! You are exactly the mom God chose for your children. Say it with me, I am a good mom!

There are lots of other resources on my blog relating to anger, to figuring out your calling, and for spiritual growth and encouragement. (There are also lots of mindless tidbits about me and my life.) Please stay a while and surf around. I just love visitors! Here are the links to a ~~couple~~ number of posts I think you’ll enjoy:

Friday Feast (our four-week challenge to read God’s Word daily)
Seven Steps to Stop Anger in its Tracks (a few tips in anger management)
How to Help an Angry Mom (a series, parts 3 & 4 are all about child training)
When God Messes up Your Plans (how God has been working in my life)
Are You Burying Your Talents? (wondering what your calling is? this might help)

Filed Under: anger, Mommy Why Are You Angry?, real life, speaking, writing October 25, 2010 By Tyler Rowan 4 Comments

How to Help an Angry Mom, part 4 – Guest Post con’t

Here are the earlier posts in this series:
Why are some moms so angry?
What’s the husband/fathers role in helping an angry mom?
How can we get discipline back under control?

And for today, What is child training and how do we do it? courtesy of Jenny.

I would like to add a couple of notes to my previous post…

1. When children learn to obey the majority of the time, they earn the right to respectfully appeal with something like, “Yes, Mom, may I finish this first?” or whatever is appropriate for the situation. However, appeals can’t follow every directive.

2. Never spank in anger. When you send the child to wait for you, that is your time to gather your thoughts, pray for wisdom and ask God to help you handle the situation calmly and lovingly. If you get frustrated because your child won’t admit what they did, take a break. It will give him/her time to think and you time to refocus. Gal. 6:1 reminds us if anyone is caught in a sin (i.e. disobeying parents), we are to restore them in a spirit of gentleness.

3. I mentioned checking your motive. Let me expound. If your motive is to pay your child back, to get out your frustration, to gain obedience because it is more convenient for you or because of any selfish reason, your motive is wrong. Teaching children the self-control to say no to themselves and yes to you will one day translate into them saying no to themselves and yes to God. Don’t we all wish we had more self-control not to say whatever we’re thinking, not to eat foods we know we shouldn’t, not to spend money we know isn’t within the budget? Self-control is a gift. And we can give this gift to our children through loving, consistent discipline which is aimed toward the child’s benefit, not ours.

4. I know that there are some who would read “spank in love” and scoff. That is just not something that is conceivable to them. I can understand that. Sin has tainted what biblical discipline should look like. People have been hurt and therefore have abandoned the truth of God’s word. Proverbs says, “Every word of God proves true.” Colossians 2:8 warns us not to be taken captive by the world’s hollow and deceptive philosophies because God has made foolish the wisdom of this world (I Cor. 1:20).

So on to Training and Encouragement…

Consistency in discipline is vitally important but

No amount of discipline will make up for a lack of training!

What does that mean? It means that you can give consequence after consequence but you will see a significant difference if you take the time to teach your child not only what to “put off” as Eph. 4 tells us but what to put on. Don’t athletes practice, practice, and practice some more before actually going out to compete? So why not give our children time to practice obeying during a fun, non-confrontational training time?

During training time, you can teach your kids what you mean by first-time obedience. Tell them what you’ve seen them doing: talking back, grumbling, ignoring, etc. You can even act out what you’ve seen them doing. This usually makes a huge impact and the kids think it’s hilarious seeing Mom and Dad acting like them. Next, explain using Scripture such as Ephesians 6:1-2 and Phil 2:14 why what they’ve been doing is wrong. Carefully explain and/or act out what you would like to see. Then let them know what the consequence will be if they don’t obey cheerfully, right away, all the way and no matter what.

Now it’s practice time! Give them a task to perform.

Example) “Becky, please take these two toys and put them where they belong.” Becky says cheerfully, “Yes, Mom.” When she finishes, she comes back and reports, “Mom, I put the toys away. Is there anything else I can do to help?” You encourage her with, “Thank you, Becky, for obeying cheerfully and right away!”

You can also use this time to practice all kinds of things like how to resolve an argument with a sibling, the best way to ask for a toy, how to sit quietly in church, what to do when a friend says something unkind, how to look an adult in the eye and carry on a conversation. Whatever you want to work on, use this time to practice it. The more you want to work on, the more often you schedule training time. If you have littler ones, you may want to set aside two nights a week. For older kids, once a week or every other week might do.
I will say try to make it a set night if possible. It will help you to remember and actually do it if you know it’s “Tuesday Training Time.”

I love how Mrs. Duggar puts it, “Practice makes progress!” That’s what we’re looking for, progress…not perfection.

Lastly, don’t forget to praise, encourage and thank your children when you see respectful, loving behavior. When someone praises you for something, doesn’t it make you want to do it again? And if we’re only correcting what we don’t like, they will become discouraged. They need to be assured that they are on the right track. “Thank you, Lucy, for showing love to your sister by sharing that toy!” “Wow, Cameron, what a kind boy you are!” “Good job, Molly, obeying so quickly! Thank you.”

While teaching first-time obedience calmly, consistently and in love will bring peace and order to your home, it is equally important to remember when Jesus said there was no greater commandment than to “‘love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength [and to] love your neighbor as yourself.’”

If our children are outwardly obedient but inwardly defiant, or outwardly respectful to you and others but don’t love others, it is worthless. We lead first by example, then through teaching what the Word says and allowing the Holy Spirit to do His work in their lives. Parenting is not a part-time job. It takes a lot of time, patience, love, and proactive, intentional teaching and training. What an awesome responsibility is ours. I want to be found faithful.

It’s been almost seven years since my husband and I were first introduced to the godly parenting information that changed our lives and the vision we have for our family. I don’t know where we’d be without it. I am so very grateful that God led a woman at our church (who is now my mentor) to facilitate a parenting class which was a series of videos by Reb Bradley of Family Ministries called Biblical Insights into Child Training. Since then I have worked with Mr. Bradley and even had the opportunity to have him stay with us recently. I love this man’s heart and am so grateful he has used his God-given gifts of wisdom and teaching to share with parents a biblical, practical, and counter-cultural way to raise up warriors for Christ. Thanks to him, I understand what the Bible means when it says that children are a blessing and reward.

By the way, Mr. Bradley has a new series called Parenting Teens with the Wisdom of Solomon. It’s invaluable!

Thank-you, Jenny! I can personally attest to the effectiveness of diligent child training and discipline. (Because of Jenny taking the time to personally address some struggles our family was having, we tried out her (Reb’s) methods. For some silly reason, we have strayed from that lately, which probably explains yesterday’s post… Back on track!)

I would love to hear if you are going to start something new in your family because of any of the posts in this series! What are you going to try doing differently?

Filed Under: anger, guest post, how to help an angry mom, linking, parenting, Q/A, real life September 29, 2010 By Tyler Rowan 1 Comment