When we moved, I believed that one of God’s purposes in moving us was to put me in a place where I could focus more on building the ministry of writing and speaking. While I’ve no doubt that I’ve grown as a writer by this here blog, the rest of the picture does not look how I expected.
My book, Mommy, Why Are You Angry? continues to wait in the proposal stage. And that proposal hasn’t been shopped out to an agent or editor in over a year.
My calendar is relatively bare of speaking engagements (yes, I’m aware that I just linked to a blank page). Not completely bare, but not the one-per-month I’d anticipated.
The traffic on my blog/website, E. Tyler Rowan has dropped significantly since the changeover.
Instead, I find myself doing a large number of things that don’t appear to fit into the category of writing/speaking ministry at all. I’m serving as President of the Elk Island Logos Society (which is the advisory board for the Christian education program in our public schools – the program my children benefit from). A friend and I are leading a team in planning our church’s very first women’s retreat. Pat and I somewhat “fell” into the role of leaders for our small group that meets weekly. We’re also leading an awesome team of people in a short-term outreach to Haiti.
More recently, as you know, I added a part-time job (in ministry with Break Forth Canada) to the mix. Even more recently, I’ve been asked by two different women to mentor them.
Lately, my morning quiet times with God have been filled with questions. What’s going on, God? What do You require of me? Have I taken on things outside of Your will? How did I move so far from the vision You placed on my heart to reach women for You through writing and speaking? Did I hear You wrong?
His answers pour into my heart and mind in the form of Scripture. Teach the younger women what is right, so that no one makes the name of God look bad (Titus 2:3)… Act justly, love mercy, walk humbly with your God (Micah 6:8)… If you have been given much, much is required of you (Luke 12:48)… You must be faithful in the little things before you can be faithful in the big things (Luke 16:10)…
As usual, God’s answers seem to raise more questions in my mind.
And so, I’m still in this place where nothing makes sense. And I have a choice to make. I can invite the feelings of confusion and doubt into my day. Or I can invite faith, trust, and peace.
Keeping faith in God’s promises is easy when life makes sense. But the seasons when nothing makes sense are the times that an abiding faith grows.
What’s an abiding faith? A faith borne out of wrestling confusion to the matt. A faith developed by trusting without understanding. A faith that, when examine by the outside world, may look a little crazy and foolish. A faith resulting in bone-deep, rock-solid, abandoned trust in God – no matter what.
In spite of my continual questions for God, I have this peace that it all makes sense to Him. I know that, somehow, each odd-shaped piece of this puzzle I call life will fit together for His purposes, for my good, and for the growth of His Kingdom. And I still believe His promise that one day, the experiences He has given me will be used for the encouragement of large groups of women. But for now, I must content myself with sharing them one-on-one…being faithful one little step at a time.
If you’re going through a season (or a lifetime) where nothing seems to make sense, I have one question for you – who will you invite to be a guest in your heart? Doubt and confusion, or abiding faith, trust, and peace?
Is there something in your life that doesn’t make sense? Can I pray for you?